  POULTRY IN MOTION
by John Moe
EMAIL
PRANKS:
EERIE SIMILARITIES, DARWIN AWARDS, HI-TECH JOKES
AND ONE DIRE WARNING
The
other day I was sitting around thinking about
myself, as I often do. I write a regular column
for an on-line magazine and work full time in a
software company (to supplement my fat Pandemonium
salary). So being the techno-wizard that I am, I
am besieged by e-mails. Most of them junk. Many
of them attempt humor or try to point out
secretive conspiracies that only net-heads have
uncovered. Problem is, the same damn set of
e-mails have been circulating around for years.
Part of my job here at Pando is to
provide an original perspective and fresh humor
to you, the insatiable dilettantes of the WWW. So
here you go:
Please
clip and paste these four delightful blurbs on to
your own e-mails and send them over the net to
the longest mailing lists you have. Help me do
the world a favor and send these everywhere,
along with instructions to the recipients to
forward them on to everyone they know. All
I ask is that you include the phrase: From Poultry
in Motion at Pandomag.com
- http://pandomag.com
KENNEDY
/ LINCOLN EERIE SIMILARITIES
We’ve
all heard several coincidences between the lives
of these two great presidents. Both were shot in
the head by southern assassins with three names
and succeeded by southerners named Johnson.
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy and
vice versa. But recent findings that the
government does not want you to know
about reveal even more startling
similarities:
Kennedy
was a damn good-looking man.
Lincoln was a damn good-looking man.
When
he was shot, Lincoln was watching a play called
"My American Cousin".
Kennedy HAD an American cousin.
Kennedy
was shot in a Lincoln convertible.
Lincoln was shot in a theater box seat designed
to look exactly like the PT 109, complete with
fake guns and a periscope.
Jack
Kennedy was married to a woman named Jackie.
Abraham Lincoln was married to a woman named
Abrahammie.
Lincoln
was President during the Civil War.
Kennedy was President during the space war
against the evil Dr. Zog of Planet Zolkar (still
kept secret by the media).
Kennedy
frequently slept with Marilyn Monroe.
Lincoln frequently slept with Monroe’s Some
Like it Hot co-star Tony Curtis.
Kennedy
was killed in Dallas.
Lincoln frequently guest-starred on the TV show Dallas.
Kennedy is known as "The King
of Rock n Roll".
Lincoln is
known as "The Hardest Working Man in Show
Business."
Lincoln
was born in a log cabin in Kentucky.
Kennedy was born in a palatial Hyannisport
estate.
Mick Jagger was born in a crossfire hurricane.
Lincoln
squared off against Stephen Douglas in a famous
series of debates.
Kennedy squared off against Mike Douglas in a
famous series of nationally televised knife
fights.
Coincidence?
You decide.
From
Poultry in Motion at Pandemonium
Online - http://pandomag.com
THE
PANDEMONIUM / POULTRY
IN MOTION DARWIN AWARDS!!!
It
seems like the same damn clump of "Darwin
Awards" has been circulating on the net for
decades. You know, little anecdotes about people
killed by their own stupidity. I think they were
originally written in the 1850’s when the
Internet was steam-powered. The cyber-community
cries out for something new. The staff at PiM
hears those cries :
THE
FINALISTS
Jerome
Matthews, 32, of Lompoc, CA was killed
when he climbed aboard a Boeing 737 that burst
into flames shortly after take-off due to faulty
wiring. What an idiot! Why did he get on that
plane?!
Miami
resident Martin Nelson, 74,
passed away when he chose to drive a car that got
struck by a runaway Semi truck. He was killed
instantly. His wife claimed that Nelson had no
way of knowing that the truck would be careening
out of control towards him that day. Geesh!
Sounds like she’s next!
Lucille
Hunter, 49, of Bradford, Maine died of
lung cancer after smoking several packs of
cigarettes every day for thirty years. Apparently
she did not notice the warning label on every
pack that stated the cigarettes actually caused
cancer! What a fool!
Earl
Thompson, a 39-year old resident of the
Texas State Penitentiary and convicted murderer,
sat down on an electrified chair and allowed
himself to be strapped down by prison guards.
When the chair was turned on, he was
electrocuted!
AND
THE WINNER...
Danny
Darwin, 44, a pitcher for the San
Francisco Giants of Major League Baseball, has a
4.74 ERA, a 7-9 record, 73 strikeouts and only 37
walks this season. His career ERA is an
impressive 3.79. Danny Darwin is this year’s
Darwin award winner. His accomplishments shine
above all others named Darwin. Way to go, Danny!
From
Poultry in Motion at Pandemonium
Online - http://pandomag.com
ALL-NEW
HI-TECH-LARIOUS COMPUTER JOKES
How
often have you longed for some fresh original
material to show off to your hi-tech minded pals?
How often have you wished for zippy gags that
display not only your wit but also your techno
know-how? You know what I bet? I bet real often.
So thanks to Jim Horne and David Gehrmann of
Seattle sketch comedy masters Bald-Faced Lie, we
proudly present the following geekalicious
gutbusters:
A
computer programmer walks into a bar and says
"Bartender, give me a soda and soda on
the rocks" and the bartender says,
"A soda and soda? That doesn’t make
any sense, mister." So programmer says,
"Whoops, looks like I took a ring zero
exception fault on an illegal instruction in
the old CPU."
A
C++ programmer from Apple once forgot to
declare a destructor to be virtual and memory
allocated by parent classes never got
cleaned up. (This one’s funny cause it
actually happened – true story!)
A
Pentium walks into a bar with a MIPS
Processor and an Alpha. "Check out this
advanced pipelining", he says. But they
don’t answer. (Get it? They’ve got
incompatible machine codes!)
From
Poultry in Motion at Pandemonium
Online - http://pandomag.com
DIRE
WARNING! PLEASE READ AND SEND TO EVERYONE YOU
KNOW!
THIS
IS NOT A HOAX!
I
was out partying in New Orleans when I began to
feel a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach. The
pain got worse and I kind of blacked out. When I
woke up, I was in the hospital and some people
claiming to be doctors had STOLEN MY APPENDIX.
Apparently, THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME. I called
the police and they said there was NOTHING THEY
COULD DO ABOUT IT. My insurance company was in on
it too, telling me it was a COMMON PROCEDURE and
they would even PAY FOR IT. A friend of
mine in the medical industry said that doctors
frequently perform this operation WHEN THEIR
VICTIMS ARE UNCONSCIOUS! When I asked this
"doctor" where my appendix was he tried
to get me to believe they had just thrown it away
and then he told me it wasn’t really
necessary anyway, that I would be just fine
without it. I PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE and just
for good measure, punched out everyone else in
the hospital, too. But it was too late, MY
APPENDIX WAS GONE!
BEWARE!
Appendices are being removed all over the country
even as we speak. Keep your wits about you and if
you have sharp stabbing pains in your stomach,
for God’s sake, IGNORE THEM!
From
Poultry in Motion at Pandemonium
Online - http://pandomag.com
I
hope these e-mail suggestions have helped. Good
luck out there.
The Poultry
In Motion Archives
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Yowzah! It just doesn't get any more
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