  POULTRY IN MOTION
by John Moe
I MAKE TV
BETTER
Remember that
old song "Jesus is just all right with
me" by the Doobie Brothers? Sure you do!
"Jesus is just all right with me/ Jesus is
just all right oh yeah/ Jesus is just all right
with me / Jesus is just all right/ Doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo/ Doo doo doo doo doo doo
doo" Well, mister, you can replace the word
"Jesus" with the word "TV"
and get the opinion of your humble correspondent
here. While you’re at it, substitute
"TV" for the word "Doo" as
well.
I like TV in the
morning when I get out of bed. TV in the
afternoon to fill my vacant head. TV in the
evening time until my eyes turn red. And a little
bit of TV before I go off to bed.
Problem, though.
It’s this new season. Lame ass retread cop
shows. Lame ass hospital dramas. And lame lame
LAME ass sitcoms about working in publishing
offices in New York. The new shows stink. The old
shows are worn out and tedious. And even public
access seems to have run out of ideas. Yep. TV
sucks this season. You may ask why I don’t
just pick up a book instead. SHUT UP! Don’t
EVER say something like that AGAIN! You hear me?!
Honestly, I don’t even know why I hang
around with you anymore. Talking smack like that.
Fortunately, all
my years of slack-jawed research have taught me a
thing or two. Not only have I learned about life
in the big cities (everyone has a gun and
frequently uses it, there are invisible people
who will laugh at any joke you make), I’ve
also learned what makes a TV show good. Because
TV has given me so much over the years, I will
now gracefully give back by suggesting some
mondo-rockin’ ideas for some new shows. TV
executives, my precious confused darlings, pay
attention. I’m saving your careers here.
These ideas are all public domain. First one to
get to them wins.
Pandabot!
– It is 100 years in the future and all the
Pandas have been wiped out by poachers and
uninspired breeding. A team of sexy scientists
(Donna Dixon, Diana Canova, and Eddie Mecca)
build the all new Pandabot. It looks like a
Panda, it works like a robot! Oh, it doesn’t
bring back any real pandas but everyone enjoys
Pandabot more anyway. Also, they all form a rock
band.
Girls Germs
– A gripping emotional hour of drama
focusing on the brave struggle of Jimmy (Richard
Grieco), a young man who was in the prime of his
life until one day, on a swing set, he was given
the dreaded Girls Germs by a mysterious woman
(Tina Yothers). Can Jimmy find her in time to get
the only thing that can save him: returns?
Shiny Object
Happy Hour – Every week, a variety of
shiny objects are held up by a variety of
celebrities (Powers Boothe, Susan Saint James,
Conrad Bain) who move the objects around while
saying "Ooooohh. Loooook!" This show
will be a big hit because, obviously, shiny
objects are pretty.
Low
Self-Esteem Kickboxer – Jack Baxter was
the toughest kickboxer on the circuit until he
became a renegade cop playing by his own set of
rules. But then he became really depressed and
morbid. This psychological action series features
Jack being placed in a variety of dangerous
threatening situations that could be easily
solved by kickboxing. But instead, he just sits
down and talks about how stupid he is and how
everyone hates him. Starring former NFL
quarterback Ken Stabler.
The Office
Where People Work – In an insanely
ground-breaking television series, visit the
world of Teculex, an office full of people who
care more about their job than their co-workers.
Each week, some of the characters may have some
problems with each other or difficult situations
may arise. But it may take months or years for
them to be resolved or they may be forgotten all
together. Starring Jerry Van Dyke, Alan Thicke,
and Peggy Fleming.
Shrieker
– She’s a hard-as-nails detective who
always manages to solve the cases nobody else
can. How does she do it? By shrieking so loud you
just want to die and you’ll do anything to
make her stop. Mafia guy: "I ain’t
talkin’, sister, and dere ain’t
nothin’ youse can do about it."
Shrieker:
"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Mafia
Guy: "Okay, okay, fer God’s sake, stop
it. I’ll squeal." Starring Cathy Rigby
(who will really surprise you).
Sexy,
Nudity-Laden, Paranormal Waterpark With Guns
– Oh, it’s no picnic for the brave
naked men and women who work at the Sexy,
Nudity-Laden, Paranormal Waterpark With Guns.
Trouble always lurks around the corner in the
form of Colombian drug lords, creepy ghosts,
rough-housing on the waterslides, or mysterious
rashes. Starring Pamela Anderson Lee Cougar
Mellencamp, Marvelous Marvin Hagler, and Buddy
Hackett (who will really surprise you).
Workin’
in a Coalmine – Join the wacky hi-jinx
and madcap shenanigans of the crazy crew from
rural Arkansas as they spend each and every day
of their desolate interminable existence mining
coal from the earth. You’ll laugh yourself
as sick as the black lung-plagued miners as they
try to find meaning in a dark toxic cavern that
serves as both their coffin and their hell.
Starring Linda Lavin, Sammy Hagar, and Jamie
Farr.
Falling Down
A Hill With Snoop – Join rap superstar
Snoop Doggy Dogg on this action adventure program
as he falls down a new hill each week. Every
episode goes like this: Snoop is walking along a
trail atop a big steep hill, then he says "I
sure hope I don’t slip and fall.", then
he slips and falls and spends the next hour
tumbling down the hillside. Each episode ends
with the classic tagline that will soon become
the national catch-phrase, "Damn! That was
one steep hill!"
Stupid Doggy
– The adventures of a dog who doesn’t
talk, tell jokes, or get into hilarious
predicaments. Just a dumb dog who barks at walls,
walks around aimlessly, and sometimes eats poop.
If a kid falls down a well and someone tries to
get him to go for help, Stupid Doggy wags his
tail, looks around, then licks himself. Starring
Greg Evigan, Gene Shalit, and any dog you can
find.
So there you go.
Get these shows on the air and save television.
It’s not too late. I mean, can you honestly
say you’d rather watch Veronica’s
Closet than spend 30 minutes with Pandabot? Would
Baywatch really excite you as much as Sexy,
Nudity-Laden Paranormal Waterpark With Guns? I
gotta go. Snoop is about to fall down.
The Poultry
In Motion Archives
Also in Pandemonium
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band," says John Moe in Poultry In
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Comic Genius John Moe
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If it's Zany you want, then Zany
you shall receive in this hilarious TV Sendup!
Ask Jeeves About
My Butt
John
Moe turns to the internet for answers to
some of lifes's, and JFK's, imponderables, in Poultry In
Motion
Give Me An Answer
if it is Good
Athlete/musician
John Moe gives you his take on this year's NBA
Draft in Poultry In
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Baseball's
Crumbling and That's OK
"This is your chance, America.
Baseball and it’s death wish are bigger than
you are. More powerful. Even kinda sexier. You
can’t stop it. Join it," says John Moe
in Poultry In
Motion
Bookies, Booze,
Boxing and Baubles
Tired of guilt-laden NPR fund drives,
John Moe suggests some unusual strategies for
feeding freebie radio. In Poultry In Motion
Wacky Email
Pranks...
Yowzah! It just doesn't get any more
whacked...
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