  POULTRY IN MOTION
by John Moe
Irrational
Public Radio
Soon
pestilence sweeps across the land. Soon plagues
of locusts descend upon our fields. Soon the sane
become crazed, the strong buckle, mighty
buildings crumble to the ground. Because soon is
the Public
Radio spring pledge drive.
Blissfully
have we as a society trucked along recently with
a spring in our step and a song in our heart.
Things are on track, we’ve been thinking,
I’m getting this whole big crazy-ass mess
figured out. My ducks are in a row. Rainbows
appear and unicorns walk by. And why the glee,
gentle reader? What has been causing this odd
bliss? Hate to burst the bubble, bub, but
it’s only because you have recently
recovered from the FALL pledge drive. Day upon
torturous day of threats, intimidation, guilt,
and needling await. It’s as if we are all
going back home to stay with our parents for a
while. And Mom sounds just like Nina Totenberg.
Now
before you send out Daniel Schorr to scare the
hell out of me like he did to Nixon, a caveat. I
loves me the Public Radio. Listen to it whenever
possible. Used to listen to it all day when I had
a job that required minimal thought. Even now in
my current maximal thought position, I find time
for the dulcet tones of all many of my fave-rave
broadcasters. In the interest of full disclosure,
I should also point out that I am a recipient of
NPR dough as a free-lance contributor to Rewind,
produced in Seattle at KUOW. So both
as a fan and an overrated comedy hack, I see the
necessity for public radio. We need it. Without
it there would be mayhem in the streets and
strangers would be legally permitted to kick you
for no reason at all. Sure I would enjoy kicking
strangers as well (who wouldn’t?) but some
of those strangers are bigger and stronger than
me. That could be trouble. The prevention of that
trouble is why we need public radio.
But
what bugs me is the pledge drive! All my favorite
shows interrupted by pleadings for cash. Guilt
trips replace trips of fancy, financial needling
replaces musical noodling. Yes, Public Radio
needs to survive. But as my God is my witness,
there has got to be a better way.
Which
way is that? Glad you asked. Cuz I got some
ideas.
IDEA
#1
WAGERING
We
open a national betting pool regarding key Public
Radio events. For instance, one could place bets
on how many times during a particular edition of Talk
of the Nation Ray
Suarez can startle his guest with his in-depth,
almost disconcerting, knowledge of the issues.
Big jackpots can be one if you correctly predict,
to the minute, when the guest says "I’m
surprised you know that, Ray."
Alternatively,
one could place bets on Fresh
Air. Specifically, what percentage of
the conversation is dedicated not to the guest
but to host Terri Gross herself.
IDEA
#2
DRINKING
GAMES
I
think that rather than spending all their time
and money on beer bongs and games of quarters,
our nation’s fraternity men should be
dedicating their alcoholic tendencies to
supporting public radio. But how, you ask?
Simple, every time the name of a person or
location is pronounced in the non-Americanized,
culturally correct manner (for instance, instead
of "Nicaragua" they say
"Ni-hu-ra-wa"), frat boy takes a drink.
By the end of All
Things Considered, even
the big guy they call Moose should be pretty much
under the table. And if there’s a crisis in
Chechnya or Colombia, forget about it.
But
how does Public Radio make money off of this?
Simple. Your favorite NPR personality shows up at
the frat house with a keg of cheap beer, for
instance Daniel Zwerdling and a keg of
Schmidt’s. Zwerdling charges the boys three
dollars per cup. Then while they’re
inebriated, he hits them up for more
contributions. They wake up the next morning
broke and vomiting. But they will have made an
important contribution to Public Radio. By this
point, Zwerdling is across the state collecting
more suckers at the SAE house. Ambitious? Sure,
but you have to spend money to make money. And
rare is the group with more disposable income and
fewer brain cells than frat guys. Besides, we
have to get them now before they grow up, become
captains of industry and forget Public Radio ever
existed.
IDEA
#3
FIGHTS
The
concept here is pretty simple. Take two of your
favorite Public Radio personalities, put ‘em
in a ring, let ‘em fight. No boxing, mind
you, just a flat out fistfight. Kicking, biting,
anything goes.
Who
would you choose to place in the Public Radio
Combat Pit? Me, I’d go with Bob Edwards vs.
Linda Wertheimer. The King of the Morning versus
the Queen of the Afternoon.
"I’ve
got your Morning Edition of pain right here,
Edwards!" screams Wertheimer, delivering a
nasty blow to the sternum.
"While
you’re Considering All Things, why
don’t you consider my foot to the side of
your head!" bellows Edwards landing a tough
blow with his feet of fury.
Think
about it, who would you like to see locked in
mortal combat? Car Talk Guys vs. Block & Byrd
in tag team action? Ira Flatow versus Garrison
Keillor? Possibilities are endless.
The
whole thing is covered on pay-per-view, of
course. Hey, they get my money a lot faster that
way than with any of this namby pamby candy-ass
guilt prodding.
IDEA
#4
MERCHANDISING
/ GUEST HOSTS
Matt
Wright of Gashuffer once told me that the band
loves playing all ages shows because of all the
merchandise they can sell. Every skate punk in
the joint wants the sticker, the t-shirt, the
baseball cap. It’s a quick path to easy
dough.
Problem
is, Public Radio personalities don’t lend
themselves so easily to merchandising
opportunities. I mean, I like Karl Cassel, but I
ain’t buying the Karl Cassel satin tour
jacket. That’s why you need occasional guest
hosts who can lend a little spark while not
interfering with the overall flow of the
broadcast.
Pro
wrestlers are a perfect choice.
Imagine
The Rock laying the smack down on the BBC World
Service. Picture the adrenaline rush that Stone
Cold Steve Austin would bring to This American
Life. Then print up some t-shirts and sell
‘em for $30 a pop. Public Radio makes money
and gets exposure and all it costs is integrity.
What
do you think? Vote below and I will make sure the
information gets delivered to prominent people
within public radio. Really. Your vote COULD make
a difference. Okay, it probably won’t but
theoretically it could.
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