Hooray For Me!
A Quinn Martin Production
Starring Captain Spaulding

THE LAST SEINFELD EPISODE REVEALED

Speculation is rife about the plot of the final, two-hour episode of Seinfeld, (Seinfeld AVI clip) which will be aired on May 14. In keeping with the sitcom's status as the most popular television show of the nineties, the final episode was shot on a closed set, and everyone present was forced to take a vow of secrecy concerning the plot.

Fortunately for you, dear readers, I was able to use my extensive showbiz connections to obtain a copy of the final episode's script. Since no vow of secrecy can trump the Hooray For Me! Oath of Full Disclosure, I now bring you a full synopsis of the last-ever Seinfeld.

The long and short of it is that the last Seinfeld will center on the long-awaited return from Pakistan of thwarted restaurateur Babu Bhatt.

The revenge-minded Babu returns to Manhattan from Karachi and immediately heads to Jerry Seinfeld's apartment to exact his vengeance on the man who inadvertently got him deported eight years ago.

Jerry isn't in, but Jerry's nemesis Newman sees Babu pounding on Jerry's door. The portly postman invites Babu into his own pad, and helps him concoct a plot to fix Jerry's wagon once and for all.

Cut to the booth in Monk's coffeeshop, where eternal sap George Costanza is bemoaning the fact that his latest girlfriend has left him for a guy with a white Trans-Am. There is general banter here between George and Jerry regarding the idea that George is such a loser with women that he needs whatever help he can get to woo one--and that a cool car is the sure ticket to sexual success.

Hipster doofus Kramer slides into the booth and informs his two buddies that his apartment-run mystery business, Kramerica, Inc., is going public and that he is attempting to get it traded on the New York Stock Exchange. There are assorted jibes by George and Jerry regarding Kramer's idiocy. Kramer storms out, protesting that they never believe in his vision and that they'll be sorry for it in the end.

Elaine Benes slides into the booth and immediately starts whining about how she is now officially the last single woman she knows of in all of New York City. Intersperse jump-cuts of various former female friends of Elaine--her ex-roomie the actress with the whiny voice, Doreen the Army deserter who dated the high talker and almost had a baby with Kramer, Sue Ellen Mischke--all glowing, each with a man in the background holding an infant, each old friend saying on the phone, "Elaine! You've got to see the bay-bee!"

Jerry says, "Do you know what you are, Elaine? You're the passenger pigeon of your peer group!" He explains how passenger pigeons once filled the skies with their gargantuan flocks, but one by one they were hunted and killed until there was only one left. "And they put that one in a museum so that every schoolkid in New York could gawk at it!"

Elaine says, "Yes! I am the passenger pigeon! But I don't want to be the passenger pigeon!"

George enters Jerry's apartment. Jerry announces that he is ga-ga over a girl from his past. He swears that this time he is really in love, that this is the one he will not let get away. George wants to know who the woman is, but Jerry spontaneously decides that his problems in the past with women sprang from talking too much about them and his relationships with them. Too much talk, Jerry decides, has jinxed him with women. He is going to keep her identity a secret. George steams about being taken out of the loop, and lets loose with a few, "George thinks this is unfair!

George is getting angry!"

Jerry calmly says, "That's OK. Tell you what--since I'm not telling you who she is, if we get engaged you don't have to get me an engagement present." Engagement present? asks George. First birthday presents, then wedding presents, then anniversary presents...now he has to give an engagement present, too? Life is so unfair to George!

Before a commercial break, we hear Jerry say to someone on the phone, "Will you marry me?"

A postal investigator knocks on Jerry's door. He informs Jerry that he is being investigated for mail fraud because he predamaged his insured stereo and then claimed that it was damaged in the mail; because he ordered a jar of barbecue sauce from Memphis and then claimed damages when it arrived on the set of the Tonight Show shattered, and because when an incendiary device was mailed to him he failed to inform the police or the USPS and instead had had his Uncle Leo sign for it.

When the inspector has left, Jerry grimaces and says, "Newman!"

Meanwhile, every time Jerry leaves his apartment, he sees someone knocking on Kramer's door in hopes of making an early investment in Kramerica and thereby making a killing in the stock market. This will be a running gag throughout the entire episode. A confused Jerry questions the sanity of each of them--Newman, Kenny Bania, Tim Whatley, Lloyd Braun, Frank Costanza (who doesn't want his wife to know), Mickey the little person actor-stand-in, Bob Sacamano, Mr. Lippmann, Estelle Costanza (who doesn't want her husband to know), the Soup Nazi, even the two effeminate thugs Bob and Cedric who keep bullying Kramer. The last person we see encountering Jerry while knocking on Kramer's door in an attempt to get in on the ground floor of Kramerica is Paul Reiser, aka Paul Buchman from Mad About You, who is seeking to use his connection with the eccentric entrepreneur (who lives in his old apartment) in order to finance his daughter's future college education.

Several of these people tell Jerry that they've heard he's getting married. He confirms this and invites them to the wedding--but refuses to tell any of them who the bride will be. He doesn't want to "jinx it."

Cut to Helen and Morty Seinfeld talking on the phone with their son. He is in the midst of announcing his wedding plans. They, naturally, are overjoyed but want to know their future daughter-in-law's name.

Jerry hesitates and says, "No! I don't want to jinx it! Just show up at the wedding, and it'll be a surprise!"

George and Kramer brainstorm the answer to the riddle of Jerry's fiancee over chicken salad on toast at Monk's. Kramer, who has been certain from Day One that Jerry and Elaine would end up together, insists that Elaine is the mystery bride-to-be. He convinces George. While walking down the street, George sees an incredible deal, a one-day no-refund sale on a big-screen color TV in a store window. He immediately buys the TV. Since the salesman throws in delivery at no cost along with a nice bridal bow tied around the set, George has the TV delivered to Elaine's apartment...thinking to himself, "This gift is so fabulous and looks so expensive that I can use it as a combination engagement/wedding present!

I can kill two birds for the price of one stone!"

Elaine excitedly embraces George when she sees him at Monk's, thanking him for the TV. "It wasn't even my birthday!" George, slyly, says, "Well, I know that you and Jerry are keeping your engagement a secret.

So I was very discreet and had the TV sent to your house. Just think of it as a...combination engagement and wedding present."

Elaine is furious that George is making sport of her passenger pigeon status. She stomps off, calling George every name in the book.

George runs out after her, saying, "Wait! If it isn't you, who is it? That TV set has no refund! I have to give it to the proper woman!"

We see Jerry in lawyer Jackie Chiles' office. Jerry is wondering how he can get out of the postal investigation. Jackie, noting the widespread corruption in the local branch of the US Postal Service, suggests bribing the chief investigator of the local branch.

Babu Bhatt arrives on Jerry's doorstep just as Jerry is returning to his apartment. Babu threatens bodily harm upon Jerry for getting him deported. Jerry says that he can make it up to Babu by fixing him up with a steady job for him and his friends and family; his Uncle Leo is expanding his wedding catering business and is looking for someone to run his new East Village branch.

Thankful that Jerry has aided him in his quest to become a permanent and gainfully employed resident of the United States, Babu confesses that it was he who helped engineer the scheme to get Jerry investigated for mail fraud. When Jerry pleads with him to call off the postal dogs, Babu apologetically shrugs and says that he can do nothing, because "the wheels are already in motion."

The investors of Kramerica have a meeting in Kramer's hot tub. There Elaine has it confirmed that Jerry is, indeed, getting married. More screeching from Elaine ensues about being the "passenger pigeon".

David Puddy, meanwhile, has figured out that his life will go nowhere as long as he indulges in his perpetual off-again, on-again relationship with Elaine. His boss at the car dealership convinces him that marrying Elaine will make him the type of family man (complete with picture of the wife and kids on his showroom desk) that can sell cars to anyone. He proposes to Elaine, who does not believe that his offer is genuine (even though she's more than willing to wear the diamond ring while she mulls it over). Puddy, to prove his sincerity, bails her out of her trouble with George by tracking down actor Liam Neeson (played by Neeson himself), persuading Neeson to trade in his '89 LeBaron convertible to the dealership for a new car, and then selling Neeson's old "chick-magnet" ragtop to George at a ridiculously low price.

Puddy convinces Elaine that she will only screw up the wedding if he lets her plan it. She is, after all, the "passenger pigeon" and has time and time again demonstrated her inability to get married under her own power. She reluctantly agrees to hand over the reins to Puddy. After she leaves, Puddy opens the phone book and locates a wedding planner. Over the phone, he arranges to have the wedding booked, organized, and catered by Weddings-R-Us. At the end of the conversation, we learn of the new proprietor of Weddings-R-Us...Babu Bhatt.

George, excited about his new car but grumbling about having to pay a moving company to move the big-screen TV set from Elaine's to Jerry's, arrives at Jerry's apartment with it and the movers. Jerry, so ecstatic about the television that he almost deems it worth the price of marriage, plugs it in. The first thing that they see is a report on Wall Street Week in which Louis Rukeyser discusses the skyrocketing stock of a company newly gone public, Kramerica, Inc.--a manufacturer of chest support undergarments for overweight men which has just scored a huge contract to make such garments in factories in Eastern Europe. Noting the preponderance of stocky middle-aged Polish and Russian men, Jerry and George immediately go into mourning that they did not believe in Kramer.

The invitations to the Benes/Puddy wedding are sent out from Babu Bhatt's Weddings-R-Us store. In the background, we see several Pakistani women licking the envelopes and nodding off in toxic shock.

Elaine arrives at Jerry's apartment, angry with him that he is getting married and thus: a) trumping her own wedding news; b) daring to marry someone else and thereby escaping her plan for him to pine over

her and pull a Dustin-Hoffman-in-The Graduate routine at her and Puddy's wedding; and c) refusing to even reveal the identity of his bride-to-be. When she finds out that Jerry has agreed to get married on the same day that she is getting married, she grows even more furious. Both stubbornly refuse to change the date of their respective weddings. She stomps out of the apartment.

Jerry goes to see the chief postal inspector. He turns out to be Crazy Joe Davola. Fearful for his life, Jerry thinks quick and tells Crazy Joe that he has learned through his show business connections of an invitation-only audition for the title role of the sad clown in the New York Metropolitan Opera's next staging of I Pagliacci. When asked about the time and place of the audition, Jerry pulls out the Benes/Puddy invitation from his pocket, puts his thumb over the top part, and shows Crazy Joe the fancy calligraphy that indicates a date, time, and place.

Eager to make his mark on the world of opera, Crazy Joe writes down the date, time, and address and agrees not to kill Jerry...and to get him off the hook for the postal fraud charges besides.

Cut to the Costanza house in Queens. Frank walks in carrying the mail, which includes an invitation to the Benes/Puddy wedding. Frank and Estelle learn that each of them has invested in Kramerica behind each other's back. Despite the fact that they are now both incredibly wealthy, they have a furious argument. Frank storms out, mail still in hand, and vows to move out of New York and return to his family roots in Tuscany.

Frank arrives at the Maestro's office at the Queens Convalescent Center. He explains to the Maestro that he cannot find any villas in Tuscany that are for sale. The Maestro says that he will not sell his at any price. Frank says, "What if I told you that the Met is staging I Pagliacci, and they're looking for a guest conductor of the orchestra?" He then gives the Maestro the time, date, and address listed on the Benes/Puddy wedding invitation, covering the top part of the invitation with his thumb. Overjoyed that he will be allowed to audition for this plum conductor's gig, the Maestro agrees to sell Frank his Tuscan villa.

Cut to Elaine, in wedding gown, arriving at the location Puddy has given her for the wedding. It is a large warehouse. She walks in and sees that the warehouse has been converted into a mosque. Puddy is waiting

for her at the altar. Babu is the officiant, and the entire congregation is Pakistani. Even her bridesmaids are covered from head to toe in black Muslim chadors.

In the midst of the Pakistani congregation, we see Crazy Joe Davola in full clown regalia and the Maestro in his conductor's tux excitedly whispering about when the wedding is supposed to end and the I Pagliacci audition will begin.

The last we see of Elaine and Puddy, they are getting into a brand-new luxury car with dealer plates outside the mosque after their wedding. A flock of pigeons flies overhead and splats pigeon bombs all over the car.

The last we see of George, he is getting into his car--"Liam Neeson's convertible"--to leave Jerry's wedding rehearsal dinner, as the valet hands him the keys. On his arm is an incredibly gorgeous woman who loves Liam Neeson. The car's top is up. He tries retracting it, but the retract mechanism is busted. He starts sniffing and says, "What's that smell?" Horrified look--"Oh, my God! It's B.O.! It's the valet's odor! The beast! It's back! George is angry! George is very angry!"

We see Frank Costanza open the shutters on the balcony of his newly-purchased Tuscan villa, take a deep satisfied breath of fresh Italian air, and peer down at the street below. It is a parade. Beautiful women and children and hordes of overweight, middle-aged men are cheering for and throwing flowers at a man in an expensive suit and flowing cape sitting up on the back seat of an open convertible. It is Kramer.

As the show--and the series--ends, we see Jerry at the altar with his mystery bride. It is Mulva. Jerry says, "I take you...you...you...." A look of panic crosses his face. Fade out over laugh track.

Captain Spaulding

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Previous Mountaintop Experiences with Captain Spaulding:

Hooray For Me #1-- One Margarita Too Many?

Hooray For Me #2-- Spitting at the Generations

Hooray For Me #3-- The One-Eyed Spokesmodel

Hooray For Me #4-- Semisardonic Over Semisonic

Hooray For Me #5-- Bury My Brain at Wounded Knee

Hooray For Me #6-- Tempest in a B-Cup

Hooray For Me #7-- Princess Diana

Hooray For Me #8-- Get Back, Honky Cat

Hooray For Me #9-- Mother Teresa

Hooray For Me #10-- Selling Johnny Cash

Hooray For Me #11-- Is the Male Ego a Hairy Beast?

Hooray For Me #12-- Why America Gets No Kicks from Soccer

Hooray For Me #13-- O Canada! Who Stands on Guard For Thee?

Hooray For Me #14-- Suicide is Painless, but Loss of Creative...

Hooray For Me #15-- Synergy for the Devil

Hooray For Me #16-- Of Hissy Fits and Human Freedoms

Hooray For Me #17-- Naked Raygun's Hook Back in Anger

Hooray For Me #18-- Trees 2, Celebrities 0

Hooray For Me #19-- What Grad Students Need to Know About Sex

Hooray For Me #20-- Just Another Yellow Brick in the Road

Hooray For Me #21-- Can "Soy Bomb" Save the Oscars

Hooray For Me #22-- I Pick the Songs

Hooray For Me #23-- Asking Me Lies (Replacements, Alex Chilton)

Hooray For Me #24-- Careless Whispers From the Vox Populi

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