  POULTRY IN MOTION
by John Moe
Ask
Jeeves About My Butt
You know,
I’ve been hearing an awful lot about this
here Intreenet thingie of late. Turns out that
these columns, written for decades in magic
marker on old Kellogg’s Corn Pops boxes, are
being published on something called
"line". Evidently, part of the
Intreenet. And to make matters more terrifying,
the Intreenet is connected somehow to those
computers. And you know what computers are
connected to. That’s right: Space Robots.
But the word on
the street is that the computers are supposed to
be all smart. I even heard about this one web
site (web sites are like TV channels that
don’t do anything) that has this guy Jeeves
who answers ALL your questions about ALL MATTERS.
So I went to www.ask.com to find out if this
fella Jeeves was so all-fired smart.
I started off
with an easy one, "What is the capital of
Belgium?". Jeeves pointed me to a page put
out by National Geographic which instantly gave
me the info I needed.
Then I decided
to step up the game a bit. I asked Jeeves
"Who killed JFK?". Instead of answering
right away, he started offering me all these
alternative questions: "Where can I find
information on JFK?" "Where can I find
quotations by JFK?" I hollered at the
computer "I’LL DO THE ASKIN’
JEEVES!"
Fortunately, it
offered up some opinions by other fellas named
Yahoo, Infoseek, and AltaVista (must be CB
handles). Infoseek had the answer: Elvis killed
Kennedy.
Next was a curve
ball for my buddy Jeeves: "Why must I be a
teenager in love?" Jeeves instantly shot
back, saying "I know the answer to these
questions." But instead of laying it on me,
he just hemmed and hawed about teen health habits
and picture books. Fortunately, AltaVista claimed
to know the answer but all it offered was the
lyrics to the song that got me into this mess in
the first place.
Now it was
getting interesting between Jeeves and your
faithful correspondent. I decided to get a little
more personal. I asked "What's the deal with
my pancreas? OW!" I figured since these
computers know everything, maybe they could help
me out and save me some money on doctor bills.
While the English Bastard again claimed to have
an answer, all he could do was show me an
encyclopedia article about the pancreas. I’m
not interested in THE pancreas, Jeeves, I want to
know about MY pancreas? Alta Vista again came
through offering a Van Halen fan page.
Didn’t help my poor pancreas but damn, Van
Halen II was a good album.
If Jeeves
couldn’t help my health, perhaps he could
help my career. Alert Poultry in Motion readers
know that I have been fighting a long battle with
the NBA over my black-listing. Repeatedly, they
have refused to draft me, using flimsy excuses
like "We’ve never heard of you",
"You can’t even play basketball, you
just steal the ball and run home" and even
"How did you get into my office
anyway?"
So I asked
Jeeves "Why doesn’t the NBA draft John
Moe?"
That’s when
I learned Jeeves was in on the conspiracy. He
snapped back at me "I think you may have
misspelled something." Yeah like maybe your
butt, Jeeves! Fortunately his pals AltaVista and
InfoSeek offered up some of my old columns to at
least help me find my own answers.
But now I was
mad at Jeeves. "Fuckin’ what the fuck
kinda name is Jeeves anyway, you butt?"
Here, the bastard gave me a long history of
himself (carefully avoiding answering my actual
question). But he also did offer me the
scientific name for the butt. Yeah, it
didn’t answer the question either, but it
was interesting.
I decided to
give Jeevesie one last test. I would ask him the
question that has dogged me for years. A question
that haunts the lives of all children and adults
in my neighborhood: "What’s the deal
with that one checker at Safeway? You know, the
one with the teeth?" No answer. Stock quotes
on Safeway, information on how teeth are made,
but no answer. His pals chimed in with Western
Nebraska Community College Events and a Jennifer
Love Hewitt site but I think they were just
trying to distract me.
I really
can’t blame them for not nailing this one.
That guy remains the single greatest mystery
known to humanity.
There are lots
of questions in this crazy world we call The
World. And none of us, not even Jeeves, have all
the answers. Still, I wish Jeeves, instead of
trying to distract me or doubting my spelling,
would just say "Jeez pal, that’s a
tough one. Ya got me there. Can’t help
you." Because that would be an Intreenet web
site I would go to all the time.
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