  POULTRY IN MOTION
by John Moe
Son
of I Make TV Better
That chill in
the air can only mean one of two things: whooping
cough or the coming of fall. I know, you’re
barely out of your swim trunks and Coppertone but
face it: summer can’t last forever. Or maybe
it already does and we only call the different
parts of it by different names because Space
Robots are controlling our minds. I’m just
saying.
And fall (or
Autumn as the Indians call it) means many things.
The sporting event known as foot ball where men
in helmets do something to other men in helmets,
the school year begins and with it the purchase
of millions of protractors, never to be used. But
I love fall the best because it means a new crop
of television programs. Each year I spend weeks
giggling with anticipation (not from glue
fumes, THANK you Mr. Bank Security Guard) over
the arrival of the fall shows. Where will Dabney
Coleman end up? When will Susan Anton finally
find the right vehicle that can handle a star of
her magnitude? Jamie Farr is a good actor, why
can’t he get a series? And I know that
y’all are asking yourself the same
questions. But maybe, just maybe, you should be
asking me those questions instead. Because, you
see, I have the answers.
While the
networks will deny this information, only your
intrepid correspondent has a sneak preview on all
the shows that are really going on the air this
fall. I’m talking the real stuff, not those
Trojan Horse programs they announced to keep you
guessing. Unless David Stern gets a hold of these
people and convinces them to join the conspiracy
against me, these are the shows that are coming
to your bright glowy box this fall.
CBS:
When Angels Attack – gripping
real-life stories about the ones who aren’t
there to help you. Premiere episode features
Della Reese gone horribly wrong. Mondays at 10.
NBC:
Switcheroo
– In a dramatic turn-around of the
traditional actor/writer role-playing, this
series is acted by pale out-of-shape comedy
writers whose posture is permanently hunched from
sitting at the computer. Gorgeous models write
all dialog. Wednesdays at 8:30.
ABC:
Fish Out of
Water – ABC takes a traditional approach
with the tried and true "Fish Out of
Water" premise. The first few minutes of the
premiere episode are kind of interesting with all
the flopping around. Disappointing follow-up
episodes mostly deal with the fish drying out and
being picked at by birds. Thursdays at 9.
Two Guys,
Three Girls, A Dog, A Bunch of Birds, Maybe, I
Dunno, a Fuckin’ Monkey or Something, and a
Bunch of Other Shit, Who Cares - This show
has been plagued by problems recently as many
have felt the writers have simply given up.
Starring Ben Kingsley as "Mookie".
Sundays at 7.
ESPN:
World Pinata Championships – In an
effort to reach an audience not only of children
but, indeed, all people who enjoy eating candy
that flows from the ruptured torso of
papier-mâché livestock, ESPN takes you to
birthday parties around the world. Tuesdays at 6.
NFL Postgame
Show Postgame Show – Chris Berman, Joe
Theismann and crew break down all the highlights
of the broadcast that showed all the highlights
from the NFL games. Disappointingly, all
announcers tend to give themselves
"gameball" awards. Sundays at 9.
Golf Channel:
Here’s
More Golf, You Stupid Bastards – This is
several hours of apparently the head of
programming for the fledgling cable network just
putting in his office and occasionally wandering
out to the range to hit a bucket or two. All the
while, he mumbles "I told them we
couldn’t fill a 24 hour day." I was
mesmerized. Mondays at 3: 30 a.m.
Skysurfing
– Another new show but they’re lying
with the title, it’s just more golf. At one
point, the same guy walks up to the camera and
bellows "What did you expect?! It’s the
GOLF Channel, you stupid bastards!" Mondays
at 4 a.m.
MTV:
Flashback
– Early 1999 – Premiere episode
features Semisonic and Marcy Playground.
Saturdays at 1 p.m.
Severely
Autistic Sociopath with Tourette’s and
Homicidal Tendencies (working title) –
Execs have high hopes for this gritty
in-your-face talk-shock show. Soon teens across
the country will be echoing the familiar catch
phrase "Squirrels! Squirrels! That’s my
father! Ha!" Fridays at 10.
CNN:
Pretty Pretty Dress News – All the
day’s important news as reported by
correspondents in pretty pretty dresses.
Featuring Bernard Shaw and Wolf Blitzer with
commentary by George Will. Daily at 5 p.m.
FOX:
That’s My Ibsen! – Join the
hi-jinx when 19th century Norwegian
playwright Henrik Ibsen comes to live with
Thompson family in suburban Miami. Starring
Dabney Coleman, Susan Anton, and Henrik Ibsen as
himself. Wednesdays at 4:43 a.m.
Fasten your
seatbelts, kids, it’s gonna be one hell of a
roller-coaster of a season.
The Poultry
In Motion Archives
Also in Pandemonium
Online:
Moe Unveils
Newest New Kids
Who are they? Only the
"bestest, most hunkiest, most top-notch
dreamy hubba hubba
kickin’-Scott-Baio’s-butt boy
band," says John Moe in Poultry In
Motion
John Moe Makes TV
Even Better!
Comic Genius John Moe
previews TV's new fall lineup in Poultry In
Motion
I Make TV Better
If it's Zany you want, then Zany
you shall receive in this hilarious TV Sendup!
Ask Jeeves About
My Butt
John
Moe turns to the internet for answers to
some of lifes's, and JFK's, imponderables, in Poultry In
Motion
Give Me An Answer
if it is Good
Athlete/musician
John Moe gives you his take on this year's NBA
Draft in Poultry In
Motion
Baseball's
Crumbling and That's OK
"This is your chance, America.
Baseball and it’s death wish are bigger than
you are. More powerful. Even kinda sexier. You
can’t stop it. Join it," says John Moe
in Poultry In
Motion
Bookies, Booze,
Boxing and Baubles
Tired of guilt-laden NPR fund drives,
John Moe suggests some unusual strategies for
feeding freebie radio. In Poultry In Motion
Wacky Email
Pranks...
Yowzah! It just doesn't get any more
whacked...
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