Hooray For Me!
A Friendly Rant From Captain Spaulding
(Captain Spaulding Action Figures Sold Separately)

AND NOW...OUR NATIONAL ANATHEMA

We have the world's worst national anthem. Is there anyone out there who still believes otherwise?

Not only is the subject matter of "The Star-Spangled Banner" arcane (it's about a large flag that flew over Baltimore's Fort McHenry during a British naval bombardment in the War of 1812 and managed to survive a night of steady shelling) and completely beside the point of what a national anthem is supposed to be about (the country itself, not the country's flag), it is almost unsingable. The multioctave range defies the average citizen, the words are obscure, and the tune (stolen from the British drinking song "To Anacreon In Heaven") is a loser. The best thing that you can say about the song is that at least people aren't forced to memorize (or sing) the succeeding four verses that follow "...and the home of the brave."

Those who argue that the weight of American tradition dictates the retention of "The Star-Spangled Banner" as the country's ditty should note that it was only adopted as the national song by Congress during the 1930s. That means that a lot of American generations came and went in blissful ignorance of Francis Scott Key's monstrosity.

While there is a certain sinister pleasure to be gleaned from watching athletes or Roseanne Barr mangle the words and whiff on the high notes, something tells me that a national anthem is supposed to be above slapstick. No one ever butchers the Canadian national anthem, a stirring lyric with a winsome melody that never fails to impress me. It's one reason why I hardly ever watch the start of a hockey game--pure chauvinistic shame.

I doubt that the descendants of Mr. Key (or of Anacreon, for that matter) would be offended if Congress just quietly declared a misdeal of the national anthem hand and reshuffled the deck. There are any number of good songs out there that speak to all Americans about our country's values, ideals, and legacy. Aren't there?

Speaking of hockey...back in the seventies, the heady days of Philadelphia's Broad Street Bullies, the NHL's Flyers would often preface their home ice games at the Spectrum with a recording of Kate Smith singing "God Bless America" in lieu of "The Star-Spangled Banner".

They kept playing it before games because the Flyers almost always won the subsequent game, and the song (or Kate) became something of a good-luck charm. Since sports superstition is as sound a reason as any to institute a national anthem (and because the City of Brotherly Love was, after all, where our nation was founded), I'd be all for supplanting "The Star-Spangled Banner" with "God Bless America".

The problem here is also the same problem found in the country's traditional number two song, Katherine Lee Bates' "America the Beautiful"--it has God in it. While having God in the title of a song certainly doesn't hurt the quality (just ask Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys), it creates all sorts of problems in a politically correct age. Even worse, God has to do all sorts of active things in "God Bless America" that cross the line for American civil religion--standing beside the country and guiding...her (oops, female personification of the nation; probably another PC no-no). "America the Beautiful", while touching in its lyrical description of the nation's topography, asks God to "shed his grace," implying a male deity and invoking the Christian-oriented doctrine of grace. Worse, the next line invokes an aspiration to "brotherhood," a non-inclusive term that defies a meter-fitting substitute.

If it's lyrical description of the nation's topography that you crave, try Woody Guthrie's "This Land Is Your Land" on for size. Then again, don't. No one as ideologically suspect as Woody Guthrie will ever have his work past muster with the political right. "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" is not only laden with verboten religious references and warlike imagery, it gives off bad vibes for the descendants of the Confederacy. Similarly, "Columbia, Gem of the Ocean" will draw hostile fire from the Columbus-raped-the-Indians set. The only other elementary school staple left is "My Country 'Tis Of Thee". Leaving aside for a moment the antiquated language of the title, it needs to be said that the tune is pilfered straight from the British national anthem, "God Save the King". Although the mother country was quite willing to part with "To Anacreon In Heaven", I doubt that they'll let the enshrinement of a rival lyric to their own national song go unchallenged.

It seems to me that we will have to step outside of the traditional categories to solve the national anthem problem. Let some columnist with a country following or a folk jones provide his or her own suggestions. I'll go with what I know--pop music of the rock-n-roll era.

In a recent confab held under the auspices of Pandemonium Online World Headquarters regarding this vital issue ripped from today's headlines, Pando Maximum Leader Dave Sprig-o-Lilies offered his nomination:

"While I will still entertain suggestions, I'm almost certain I want to lobby to make 'Will You Love Me Tomorrow?' the national anthem. Nothing sums up the bittersweet uncertainty of the American experience better than that winter of '60-'61 ditty about teenage romance and the weak-willed promises resulting therefrom."

He makes a compelling case. But given the left's tendency to demonize anything that preceded JFK, this classic Shirelles hit penned by Carole King is probably a nonstarter. Similarly, the right will nix anything that emerged from the sixties (unless it is Staff Sergeant Barry Sadler's "The Ballad Of the Green Berets" or Victor Lundberg's "An Open Letter To My Teenage Son").

The only logical choice, then, is Ray Stevens' 1970 number one hit, "Everything Is Beautiful". It's bland, easy to sing, uplifting, and emerged from an era when a Republican was in the White House--so conservatives will like the idea. On the other hand, it isn't nationalistic or warmongering, it is redolent of peace-love-and-flowers hippie nostalgia, and can be easily strummed on an acoustic guitar--so the liberals should like it as well.

Of course, I'd rather see Mountain's "Mississippi Queen" become the national anthem. What better way to celebrate America than a kickass jam by a fat guitarist about a Cajun slut from Vicksburg? However, politics is the art of realism.

Dave's second choice is "Ring of Fire," written and popularized by Johnny Cash back in 1963. That actually might work as a national anthem. Born-again Christian Cash appeals to the right, but his ultrahipness and substance-abusing past as well as the victimization and codependency revealed in the lyrics would prove winsome to the left. Plus, if the issue ever came down to a national referendum, the mariachi trumpet of "Ring Of Fire" would be sure to win over the Hispanic vote.

Another confab contributor suggested that Cash's '58 hit "Guess Things Happen That Way", with its weary resignation towards the woes inflicted by life, might be a better choice for a downbeat age. He showed his true intent, however, by quickly admitting that he just wanted to hear people sing the "ba-doop-a-doo" background vocals before the start of athletic contests.

Dave again: "I favor 'Will You Love Me Tomorrow?' because it would be easier for the crowd to sing at the outset of a sporting event; however such considerations are already dated. I can't remember the last time I actually sang along with the designated singer at a sporting event, so the importance of crowd-singability as a criterion diminishes with each passing day."

If mob-croonability was the salient criterion of national anthems, then "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" would be a shoo-in as "The Star-Spangled Banner"'s successor. And in thinking about what people would like to hear emanating from fifty thousand throats at once, the answer struck me.

Perhaps the best alternative to "The Star-Spangled Banner" would be to select a national anthem that represents the American ideal at its purest--rampant individualism. Select a song where everyone gets to sing his or her own tailor-made verse. This might prove unwieldy if we're talking about singing it at a sporting event or a political convention with multitudes on hand, so perhaps this could give occasion to selecting certain members of the crowd to come down to the mike and sing their verses as best they could (thus perpetuating another American ideal--the lucky ticket holder).

The obvious choice in this field would be Shirley Ellis' 1965 novelty hit "The Name Game". Picture John Doe at center court or the fifty-yard-line holding forth with, "Johnny! Johnny-Johnny-Jo-Johnny, banana-nana-mo-monny, fee-fi-fo-fonny...Johnny!" But I would opt instead for my favorite 1977 Floaters dusty to be the new American national anthem:

"Leo...and my name is Captain...I want you to float on with me, baby...float on."

Captain Spaulding

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Previous Mountaintop Experiences with Captain Spaulding:

Hooray For Me #27-- Seinfeld: The Last Laugh's On You

Hooray For Me #26-- Sympathy Cards in the Offing

Hooray For Me Archives, Including Volumes 1-25

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