The Worley Gig - A Column by Gail Worley

Oh Boy! Those grand best-of-the-year lists are upon us and I can't wait to tell you all about my favorites of 1999! This was another banner year for great music! There were so many records giving Pet Sounds a bad name! Especially in this postmodern age, where the musicians are smarter than ever and the amazing new technology is being used to create music that sounds like nothing before! Old dinosaurs like the Beatles will soon be eclipsed by incredible upstarts like Eminem and Ole Dirty Bastard. Led Zeppelin is now unlistenable in their ancient primeval state against cutting-edge innovation like Korn's Issues. And who will get "Album of the Year"? There's so much stuff to chose from! So many masterpieces! Just the other day, Paul McCartney emailed me to complain that he wished he'd written stuff as good as the latest Built to Spill release!

Hello? When is everyone in the media going to start telling the truth?

You have to be dead from the neck up to ignore the first blatant fact when you hear the latest Built to Spill record: it's a shitload of indie rock cliches! Even worse, it's a shitload of indie rock cliches assembled in cliche ways! Go back and listen to the Eagles and Fleetwood Mac! I hate both those bands but their 25 year old material still has fewer cliches and more surprises than Keep It Like a Secret. The second thing I noticed upon listening to that record is that Doug Martsch, along with Courtney Love, is now officially the Most Repetitious Singer Ever. He makes the guy from Candlebox seem diverse -- and he only knows three notes!! His vocals are identical on every song! Ringo Starr never seemed so talented!

Here's a test to see how great an album like Keep It Like a Secret, Millennium, Significant Other, or The Fragile is: put it up against Rubber Soul or Revolver. These new records have a 34 YEAR advantage over those Beatles records! They have hindsight, knowledge and more advanced technology at their disposal than those four kids from Liverpool. So, why is it that Revolver is still a thousand times more inventive and fresh? The Beatles weren't from Outer Space. They were simply four young guys who genuinely loved music. The same goes for Led Zeppelin. They LOVED MUSIC and it shows.

A love of music certainly does not even factor into the equation of what drives the hit-making machine of sound-alike groups or artists such as The Backstreet Boys, N' Stink, 98 Degrees, Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez. Just the other day, I was channel surfing and happened on the Billboard Music Awards show, just in time to see the Artist of the Year award given to -- ack! -- The Backstreet Boys! Unbelievable! I think my friend, Mike, said it best when he said "Gail, The Backstreet Boys are like the musical equivalent of toilet paper. They're just everywhere." In their acceptance speech, the Boys made sure to thank their producers, writers, choreographers, make-up artists and wardrobe people, without whom revolutionary hits like "I Want it That Way" wouldn't be possible. What the fuck? The Backstreet Boys and their ilk wouldn't know good music if it bit them on their collective ass. They probably could not even name one Queen song! If Frank Zappa were still alive, imagine the field day he would have had ripping them apart. I get ill seeing music magazines give massive press to and radio stations saturating the airwaves with bands that have no business being bands. The more mediocre, the better. It makes me want to never, ever stop throwing up.

I appreciate having the outlet to be a critic and I respect the integrity of my peers (mostly) but sometimes I think critics are being only selectively honest. Let's get real for a second: the ONLY difference between Beck and Lenny Kravitz is that Beck's completely unoriginal and retro music is considered cool by critics. Dont misunderstand me: I'm a HUGE Beck fan, and Midnight Vultures, his new Sly-and-the-Family-Stone- meets-Prince record is a million billion times better than anything else being played on the radio. That aside, I see little reason to tune into what does get radio airplay, if I can help it at all, because that kind of unoriginality is lazy, anti-creative and WRONG.

Often, people who disagree with my honest opinions get personally offended by my free-thinking diatribes. A perfect example is the honest and -- what I consider to be -- extremely fair review I wrote (from the perspective of a disappointed LONG TIME fan) of the recent Nine Inch Nails album (which, by the way, took the fastest dive from the number one spot on the Billboard charts in HISTORY). For my honesty, I was attacked with a barrage of insulting and hateful email. The site where the article appeared was hacked into and disabled for a brief period of time. Later, my very clever review was subjected to (I admit, an equally hilarious) parody on a Nine Inch Nails fan site, where I was labeled a Satan Worshipper (how did they find out?) and, oh yes, ugly. Various numb-skulled, cretinous sheep who wrote to punish me for daring to leave the fold suggested my reasons for not salivating all over The Fragile had something to do with me being:

a) In love with Trent and upset because he refuses to acknowledge my email or return my phone calls.

b) A pissed off rock critic, lashing out in retaliation for being denied an interview by Trent's handlers.

c) A cunt.

Um, it's called KILLING THE MESSENGER isn't it? Please don't try to argue that Spin's selection of The Fragile as the number one album of the year wasn't politically motivated and 100% contingent on them getting their interview with Mr. Reznor. Interscope/Nothing sent out maybe five (versus 500) advance review copies of The Fragile. Do the math yourself. Furthermore, 90% of the Nine Inch Nails fans who wrote, while steadfastly supportive of Trent, AGREED WITH ME that The Fragile is a sub-par record not of sufficient quality to be foisted on the masses!

How can so many people get mad at me for telling the truth? How can they accuse me of only writing about bands that I'm friends with or want to have sex with? This is obviously untrue. I don't always write truthful (i.e. negative) things about bands because it only ends up hurting me in the end. I have a big crush on Kid Rock and if I play my cards right I'll probably get to make out with him at a party someday after I become a Big Superstar Rock Critic (Like Neil Strauss) and he, along with everyone else, becomes a fan. Attacking him can only ruin my love life. Instead, I create enemies for Life, simply because I'm honest and don't talk about how shitty such and such an album is behind everyone's backs. I talk about it publicly because I'm honest. You should admire my integrity!

Why does everyone pretend that critics review bands like Eminem and Limp Bizkit because they think these acts are actually good? The truth is, the only reason these acts get written up is because they both sold a gazillion records. How many of these bands get noticed when their sales are at 30,000? Since when does POPULAR equal GOOD? What don't you understand? I don't want to fight. I'm a very nice person, but I'm very frank and I care very much about music and I don't want to see all the whores like Fred Durst raping and selling it. Do you think that everyone should be more like those YesMen at Spin and Rolling Stone (Where the

Backdoor, er, Backstreet Boys SWEPT every category in their readers poll)? God help us.

As the guys in Squeeze once said, you have to throw the stone to get the pool to ripple.

Here are my favorite twenty albums of 1999, plus some other random observations.

1. Diane Izzo, One

Chicago's Diane Izzo is one of the best female songwriters to come on the scene this decade. That may seem like high praise, but Izzo, whose debut album was released in January, has already earned critical comparisons to Tom Waits, Neil Young and Patty Smith. Exploring the many darknesses encountered on the journey toward light, the songs of One are a complex, lyrical unfolding of moody poetry -- not unlike haunting, twisted nursery rhymes -- on which Izzo's ability to turn a phrase is perfectly mated to her endlessly adaptable vocal instrument. Whether she's revealing that "Only Heaven hurts this way," or using Pinocchio in Venice as a metaphor for the bittersweet ache of personal transformation, Izzo speaks the truth like no other voice I heard this year. Diane Izzo kicks total ass and takes names. One is my favorite album of 1999.

2. Chris Cornell, Euphoria Morning

Forget for one minute that most straight men would go gay for Chris Cornell, and consider that the man is possessed of the most amazing voice in rock. He could sing an order at the Taco Bell counter and blow everyone away. And when it comes to songwriting, dark emotion and delicate beauty are always on the top of his list. On Euphoria Morning, his first solo album since Soundgarden disbanded over two years ago, Cornell redefines the heavy rock ballad and gives a kick-start to the heart of sludgeaholics everywhere. If "Pillow of Your Bones" doesn't chill your blood, "Moonchild" doesn't compel you to throw yourself to the ground and moan with ecstasy, and "Mission" doesn't have you asking "Soundgarden who?" I don't want to know you.

3. Art of Noise, The Seduction of Claude Debussy

Grounded in the life and music of the 19th century French impressionist composer, The Seduction of Claude Debussy is a wildly ambitious conceptual work that, on a greater level, provides a universal artistic and musical metaphor. Successfully hybridizing such diverse musical styles as classical, jazz, pop, rap and ambient soundscapes, the first Art of Noise album in 9 years assembles the likes of veteran rapper Rakim, Opera star Sally Bradshaw, pop singer Donna Lewis and actor John Hurt for a musical time trip wholly appropriate for moving from one century to the next. Evolutionary and revolutionary at the same time, this record is a modern masterpiece. Rakim's rap on poet, Charles Baudelaire alone is worth the price of the disc. Metaphor on the Floor, indeed.

4. Ben Lee, Breathing Tornados

If you have to lay hype on a boy genius, take a listen to Australian-born Ben Lee's third solo record, Breathing Tornados (released when Lee was 6 months shy of his 21st birthday). Recorded entirely on the Mac (Bill Gates is the Antichrist) and produced by Ed Buller of the Psychedelic Furs (who also produced Suede's Head Music), Breathing Tornados is a fucking amazing record that manages to come off as both gritty and surreal. Ben Lee is also the boyfriend of actress Claire Danes and sometimes I see them making out in clubs and bars around the city.

5. Mike Viola and the Candy Butchers, Falling Into Place

If Mike Viola isn't a pop songwriting genius, Einstein was a hairdresser. Viola remains so dangerously close to the pulse of what makes people tick, it's almost scary, and his song "Hills of LA" is the best song ever written about Los Angeles. I love this band. I love this record.

6. Marshall Crenshaw, Number 447

Marshall Crenshaw's 80's hits, "Someday, Someway" and "Whenever You're On My Mind," revealed a man desperately searching for some kind of happiness while wearing his heart on his sleeve. His songs were beautifully bleak heart-tuggers fueled by a constant infusion of 70's pop. Number 447 is a different record for Marshall Crenshaw. He still tangles with heartache ("Tell me All About It," "Glad Goodbye") but marriage and family life has brought Crenshaw inner peace and happiness that translates directly to his music. On Number 447, as the swing beat of the "Opening Theme," tells us, "It's all about rock." Marshall Crenshaw also deserves a lifetime buy-out because he played John Lennon in Beatlemania.

7. Kula Shaker, Peasants, Pigs and Astronauts

Even Crispian Mills' MTV-ready good looks couldn't get this British retro raga rock band a break, and now they're history. Maybe Mills was stoned when he named this record, but Peasants Pigs and Astronauts is psychedelic enough to render drug consumption completely unnecessary to achieve an altered state while listening. Lyrics like "I'm saying my good-byes/But we haven't begun to party" makes 400 Battles a perfect Millennium song, but it's a bit after the fact now. That Kula Shaker didn't become a multi-million selling act is perhaps the greatest shame of the late 90's. I blame Canada.

8. Jason Falkner, Can You Still Feel?

Dreamier than David Cassidy and sexier than a sexy steak drizzled in sexy sauce, accompanied by a sexy salad and a side of sex fries, Jason Falkner may not know it yet, but he is my future husband. Can You Still Feel? is a bigger thrill than playing the Raspberries "Go All The Way" nonstop while making out with the cutest person on the planet, of your preferred sex. This record is so good, it's just unreal. When I ran into Jason at CBGB a few months ago, I got so tongue-tied I couldn't even speak to him. He's the bomb.

9. Live, The Distance to Here

Live is a perfect example of what happens when a good young band has the opportunity to grow and develop into a captivatingly energetic and visually exciting arena rock band with kick ass music and great songs. Plus Ed Kowalczyk is a total sex god.

10. Guided By Voices, Do the Collapse

Do the Collapse is about the million billionth Guided By Voices record but it's my first exposure to the band, or Robert Pollard, since it's really just him and a bunch of guys who showed up in the studio on that day. Now I know what all the fuss is about, what a great band!! "Things I Will Keep" is one of the most transcendent pop songs ever written. But what I really want to know is this; what the Hell does "Taking Sips of Liquid Indian" even mean?

11. Jeremy Toback, Another True Fiction

Jeremy Toback is one of the coolest people I've ever had the extreme pleasure to interview. Toback is also known for playing bass in Stone Gossard's side project, Brad, and Another True Fiction is his second solo record. I am currently obsessed with this collection of enchanting story songs, combining self-realization with a gorgeous spiritual subtext. A modern classic in the style of great songwriters like Paul Simon, Neil Young, James Taylor and George Harrison.

12. Ministry, Dark Side of the Spoon

A dark and really funny album of industrial-cum-metal songs that rock so hard, they could squeeze coal into diamonds. Al Jourgenson, the man most-owed by Rob Zombie, sings like he's the offspring of Satan going through a twelve-step program. A friend of mine confessed he was afraid to leave this record "alone in the room" while it was playing, but I say throw this puppy on the stereo and then just get out of the way!

13. Blur, 13

No longer buried under the weight of their Brit Pop legacy, Blur's most emotionally forthright and experimental album is something that critics went ape shit over but no one in the states paid any attention to. Oh, the guitar so sweet! The singer so bitter! The sound so twisted! Some of the stuff on 13 is just as brilliant and bewildering as that song they did for the Trainspotting Soundtrack. Please help me find a vein.

14. Gordon, Gordon

Finally, someone cared enough to write a song about cutting the tags off the backs of his shirts, cause they're making his neck itch ("Fortified Grapes"). Gordon sound like the bastard child of the Pretty Things and Syd Barrett's Pink Floyd, as they focus on making the music they love regardless of its potential hipster appeal. In all honesty, I really struggled with making this my number one pick of the year, but then I just started taking stock and, well, Gordon ended up at number 14, which is still pretty damn good. Everyone needs to own a copy of this great, undiscovered treasure.

15. Sponge, New Pop Sunday

Another great record nobody heard because the band are on a shitty label and the radio airwaves are clogged with too many "Baby One More Time"'s and "Nookie"'s. Vinnie Dombrowski and his band of Detroit rockers dish out more haunting stories about fringe dwellers, the disenfranchised, lost causes and the doomed that sound like near clinics on pop song writing. And any guy who can pull of a song about channeling the spirit of an assassinated Russian Princess is my kind of Rock Star. Highly recommended if you like the first two Psychedelic Furs albums but always wished you could understand what Richard Butler was saying.

16. Filter, Title of Record

"Would you take my picture/`Cause I won't remember." Fuck me, what a great song. On Filter's sophomore release, fire-breathing guitars, sledgehammer drumming and what sounds like keyboards being blown up by machine guns in outer space hang out and have a good time with some essential industrial-pop rock action and Richard Patrick's newly-claimed sexiness as a frontman to be reckoned with. This time next year, Filter will be more popular than Nine Inch Nails by about ten long shots.

17. Fountains of Wayne, Utopia Parkway

Back in the stone ages, I did one of the first interviews with Power Pop Savants, Fountains of Wayne. They talked about stuff like drinking shampoo and hailing cabs to run away from Kindergarten. They were a lot of fun, and they made me laugh so hard I almost wet my pants. In 1999 Fountains of Wayne made a perfect pop record called Utopia Parkway. "Troubled Times" will make you weep and "Red Dragon Tattoo" will have you dying to get inked. Although he was talking about something else entirely, I think Jerry Cantrell put it best when he said, "No need to dress it up. There it is. The shit."

18. The Verve Pipe, The Verve Pipe

"It burned like a cancer when the answer did occur to me/A creep from the cradle but a hero's what I wanna be." What great lyrics!! Maybe it's because of all the acid I took in college, but when I hear the Verve Pipe, I hear what Lamb Lies Down on Broadway-era Genesis might sound like in the late 90's if Peter Gabriel was still dressing up like the Slipperman, and shaving his head in a reverse Mohawk. The Verve Pipe's mega-hit, "The Freshman," was an unfortunate fluke that backfired. Nothing else the band does sounds even remotely like that sullen mopefest. I think the real Verve Pipe are a bunch of acid eaters who make music to soundtrack serious head trips. I bet you didn't even know they released a record this year. Which reminds me of a joke: "How do you stop the spread of Aids?

Let BMG distribute it."

19. Suede, Head Music

"Give me head, give me head, give me head music instead." Another band of overeducated British dweebs that people in the states don't really get. And maybe they are just singing about the politics of hair and the TV Fashion Channel, but Head Music is sweet and lovely, and at least these guys know how to dress like rock stars!!

20. Moby, Play

Play is my "adult" selection among this year's top picks. I think Spin actually called this the Greatest Record of the Decade or something. While I wouldn't go that far, Play proves that Moby isn't just a studio geek who sold his rock and roll soul to the remix devil. I mean, sure the record is put together from old soul and gospel songs, but it's the way he did it that earns him his props. These are great tunes! Play covers the ground from gospel to techno to easy listening and back again. Here's a record you could probably play for your parents without fear of them being offended. Furthermore, if you leave Play laying around your home in plain sight, your friends will think you're cool even if you have critical laughingstocks like Sponge on your year end best-of list.

Here's some stuff I just wanted to get off my chest:

Honorable Mentions:

Hifi Drowning, Narci Darvish
Drown in this.

The Go, Whatcha' Doin?
Detroit Rock City's finest.

Starflyer 59, Everybody Makes Mistakes
Flawless.

Ash, Nu-Clear Sounds
The new Jesus and Mary Chain, anyone?

Backyard Babies, Total 13
The saviours of rock.

Black Halos
Garage Rock lives!

Ben Harper, Burn to Shine
So, maybe this what happened to Cat Stevens...

Frank Black and the Catholics, Pistolero
This man is criminally undernoticed.

Worst Hair in Rock: Tommy Lee's new colored-rubber-band-bound dreads look fucking stupid. At least he still has all those nice tattoos.

Single of the Year: Buckcherry's "Lit Up" had even the straightest nerd-rockers singing along with the anthemic chorus "I love the cocaine! I lovethe cocaine!" Buckcherry are the best new American rock band of 1999.

Best Live Album: Bauhaus, Gotham. Bela Lugosi's still dead but this album rocks he's coming back.

Best Music Website: Metal Sludge. This hilarious and highly addictive parody of Metal Edge Magazine is the only website I check out several times a week. Always good for a serious belly laugh and so crammed with must-read gossip you'll find yourself adding a bookmark to Metal Sludge on your first visit. To discover how your favorite 80's metal rocker rates in the sack and who's a member of the Hair Club for Rock Stars click on over to www.metal-sludge.com.

Best Song from a Movie: "What Would Brian Boitanno Do?" From the South Park movie.

Best Video: Guns N' Roses, "Welcome to the Jungle" (Live at the Cat Club). God, I miss the old days...

Live Show of the Year: Iggy Pop at Irving Plaza. Iggy is God.

Best Rock Club: Taime Downe's Pretty Ugly Club at the Dragonfly in LA. If for no other reason, go to LA to checkout this Den of Decadence. What rock and roll is all about.

Best use of a Rock Star on a TV Commercial: David Garza for Best Buy

Best Tribute Album: Appetite for Reconstruction: A Tribute to Guns'N'Roses.

Best Reunion: The Buzzcocks

Best VIP Area in a Concert Venue: Roseland Ballroom, NYC. Makes the trip to midtown a pleasure.

Album I Like it in Spite of Myself: Korn, Issues. It's really pretty good... (did I really say that?)

Fangs a Lot

To the Interviews of 1999: Mike Viola (Candy Butchers), Ed Kowalczyk (Live), Green Gartside (Scritti Politti), Vinnie Dombrowski (Sponge), Anne Dudley and Paul Morley (Art of Noise), Jon Spencer (Blues Explosion), Calvin Johnson (Dub Narcotic Sound System), Pete Shelly (Buzzcocks), Johnny Kelly (Type O Negative), Taime Downe and Dish (Newlydeads), Paul Barker (Ministry), FJ DeSanto (The Aggression), Alistar Parker (Bailter Space), Richard Oakes (Suede), Waymon Boon (Splender), Rikki Rockett (Poison), PJ Olsson, Ben Lee, Diane Izzo, Jeremy Toback, Jeremy Boyle, and Bill Rieflin.

Rock Star Quote of the Month

"I'm hardly a rock star."

-- Pete Shelly, of the still-thriving first generation British Punk Rock band, Buzzcocks, on whether he considers himself to be a significant rock icon.

The Worley Gig: " It's about what you already know."

A free CD is waiting for anyone who can identify the song lyrics above. Give it a go to pandomag@rocketmail.com. Kudos to Christian Permin of some place in Denmark who identified last column's lyrics of the month as coming from "Century" by Live. Christian won himself three new CDs because he lives in Europe, where they need good rock and roll. Good Job, dude!

Visit The Worley Gig Archives

Also in Pandemonium Online:

Live, The Distance to Here
"Ed [Kowalcyzk] is like a pop star version of Jesus, holding his audience in thrall, as they feel compelled to compete for his affection," says Gail Worley in this CD Review

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