! The Worley Gig: Music and Mayhem in New York City by Gail Worley

The Worley Gig:
Music and Mayhem in New York City
by Gail Worley

The children were singing;
It felt like Christmas time

When I need a good analogy to illustrate two extremes, I like to refer to the situation as being "Somewhere between Christmas and being buried alive." Since Christmas kicks total ass, I go out of my way every year to show that you don't have to be Christian to celebrate the birth of our Lord.

There are so many reasons to get into Christmas: Colored lights everywhere (you know how we former drug addicts love our colored lights), massive shopping, the surreal feeling (not to mention great smell) of having a pine tree in my apartment, holiday parties and food, genuine feelings of goodwill toward men (even in NYC), Charlie Brown and the Grinch...these are a few of my favorite things. But what I love most about "the most wonderful time of the year" are Christmas songs and the feelings they evoke in me.

Rock and roll has produced some serious seasonal classics such as "Jingle Bell Rock" and "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," but the rock songs that bring the spirit of Christmas on home to me are a bit more untraditional. I'm into Christmas songs that are going to make me cry really hard. I love to cry almost as much as I love to wear black and obsess over rock stars, and there are certain Christmas songs that reduce me to a whimpering mess. As an example, I offer the Pretenders' "2000 Miles."

On "2000 Miles" Chrissie Hynde breaks my heart every time I hear her moan about the man who has left her ("He's gone 2,000 miles/It's very far") but has promised, "He'll be back at Christmas time." Now, everyone listening to Chrissie knows that guy isn't coming back, and I can't help but reach for a big wad of tissues to catch the tears that spill from my eyes, as the words of pain spill from her lips; "The snow was falling all around/ It gets colder day by day/I miss him." I like to play this song over and over until I pass out from sobbing.

Another favorite holiday song is a true oldie but goodie by the Carpenters, entitled "Merry Christmas, Darling." I first heard this song when I was about 10. Before I even knew what it was like to have a boyfriend, I championed this poignant love song - about being separated from your sweetheart at Christmas by circumstances beyond your control - as the ultimate in melancholy, romantic holiday sentiment. On "Merry Christmas, Darling," the late great diva of pop, Karen Carpenter, sings with a voice like whipped butter, "Holidays are joyful/There's always something new/ But every day's a holiday/When I'm near to you."

I haven't had too many lovers about whom I've felt this kind of gush, but I did once have my heart broken my a man whom I'd imagined, in the early stages of our affair, might be rockin' around the Christmas tree with me last December. Even when I mentally asked Santa Claus to bring me an iron fist so I coulds smash his face in, I knew that memories of his kiss would come flooding back to me when I heard Karen sing about how logs on the fire fill her with desire. It's pretty sick, I know, but that's the kind of die-hard romantic I am.

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a traditional tearjerker that most people mistake for a happy song. I believe the most popular version is sung by Nat "King" Cole; a man who, it cannot be denied, had a great and highly emotive voice. Before Nat can even get the title out of his mouth, I'm running for a razor blade to open a vein. My lower lip trembles uncontrollably at the words "Let your heart be light/ From now on, our troubles will be out of sight." It's difficult for me to articulate why I have this reaction of perfect, exquisite horror at a simple, lovely expression of hope. Maybe it has something to do with the Primal Scream Therapy I went through to recover from fifteen years of repressed rage caused by the death of my Mother.

See, when you go through PST, the therapist generally indoctrinates you into substituting non-action words in your vocabulary, such as "want" and "hope," for action-based words like "commitment" and "vision." If Nat was singing "From now on, our troubles will be manageable because we will be taking personal responsibility for our actions," maybe I wouldn't feel so much like the little kid who just misses her Mom. Excuse me, there's something in my eye.

Sorry about that, I didn't mean to be such a bummer. But while we're on the subject of taking personal responsibility at Christmas, let me get into a really great Christmas song that deals with just that subject: "I Believe in Father Christmas" by Emerson, Lake & Palmer. "Father Christmas" is Greg Lake's rant on how, as a child, he was "Sold a fairy story" about the myth and magic of Christmas. "They said there'd be snow at Christmas/ They said there'd be peace on Earth," - these are the promises a child believes.

Instead, come Christmas day, what he discovers is that nothing is different. Nothing has really changed or been transformed, and Christmas, in and of itself, has no redemptive power: One must redeem oneself.

I'm a big fan of and true believer in spiritual-based tenets such as "There are no accidents" and "Everything happens for a reason" and on "I Believe in Father Christmas" Lake pitches us a good one: "Hallelujah, Noel/Be it Heaven or Hell," at Christmas, you get what you deserve. Amen. This is one of the few holiday songs I can listen to with dry eyes, yet it still moves me deeply and - again, for reasons that are hard to pin down - makes me feel really powerful. I think it should replace the national anthem.

Earlier, I mentioned the holiday cartoon specials; How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas. These film scores contain brilliant music that I bet everyone associates with the true-spirit of Christmas.

Especially that piano music on the sound track of Charlie Brown, and the children's chorus singing ever-so-slightly-off-key "Christmas Time is heeeere." As for the Grinch, don't tell me hearing "Fahoo Forays, Dahoo Dorays! Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day!" doesn't get you a little misty-eyed.

I guess what I'm trying to emphasize here is that Christmas isn't about wishing you had a boyfriend, or ex-lovers you want to maim, or even painful childhood memories. Christmas is about being happy with what you've got, counting your blessings, and getting in touch with the unconditional love that is the root of all real joy. That's why it's my favorite time of year.

And I think the Grinch really summed it up best: "Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp."

The Worley Gig regularly turns in both Pandemonium Online and The NY Hangover.

E-Mail Gail Worley

Other Features From Gail Worley:

Goo Goo Dolls: Prepare to Get Dizzy - Gail talks to Robby Takac about City of Angels, hits in the five formats, crap music and what chicks dig.

Nivek Ogre's New Rx - No longer a Skinny Puppy, this famed industrialist dispenses Ritalin now.

Visual Audio Sensory Theatre - Gail discusses religion and revenge fantasies with Jon Crosby, the aspiring Gothman with a VAST array of sounds...

Dream Punk or Noise Pop? - Gail goes to South Park and Melrose Place with Carrie Clark, art therapist and feedback diva from 16 Deluxe

God Lives Underwater - "With a name like God Lives Underwater, it has to be good," says Gail

Vintage Jello Biafra - Gail's 1996 interview with the former Dead Kennedy

Previous turns of The Worley Gig:

The Worley Gig #1-- Summer, The Rules

The Worley Gig #2-- All Tomorrow's Parties

The Worley Gig #3-- Weaselfest '97

The Worley Gig #4-- How I Spent Summer

The Worley Gig #5-- Random Excerpts From My Ass-Kicking Life

The Worley Gig #6-- Christmas Kicks Total Ass

The Worley Gig #7-- She's About A Mover

The Worley Gig #8-- The Goddess and Pig Watts

The Worley Gig #9-- Outrageously Boss Records and What Not to Do On a Date