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TINKY WINKY DENIED BROWNIE MEMBERSHIP

August 4, 1999: Scranton, PA -- Purse-toting Teletubby, Tinky Winky, was denied a membership in the Scranton area Girl's Brownie Club today.

The children's television star, recently "outed" for alleged homosexuality by evangelist Jerry Falwell, had applied for membership to the junior all-girl scouting organization as a percursor to entering the Girl Scouts Organization.

Mrs. Beatrice Hummel, Chief Executive Denmother for Brownies USA, denied any anti-gay sentiments, and issued the following statement: "While we will not discuss anyone's specific application, we at Brownies, USA feel that it would be simply too disturbing for the girls we've already been forced to admit - black, brown, somewhat reddish, and yellow - to have to deal with a purple child as well. Especially one with a distracting television embedded in his or her stomach."

Gloria Alred, activist and attorney for Winky, attacked this assertion, and announced immediate plans to file a lawsuit against Brownies, USA to reverse the denial, and for an injunction against any future denial against any similarly-situated Teletubby or children's television star accused of sexual misconduct or deviance. "It's an outrage that this poor, oddly-hued child should be denied the right to participate based on a perception of its sexual orientation, when it's very sex has yet to be deteremined. You might wonder the same about his or her accuser" said Alred.

In a surprising moment of candor, Falwell, when located and asked for comment at Bonzo Bob's Bayou Bar in Pokahoochie, Georgia, beamed "Oh, hell, I don't know if that little fella's a swish or not - we were just pokin' a little fun is all! Ain't that right, Newty?" Nearby, the shirtless, sweating, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, atop a mechanical bull, shot back: "You're damn right, Jer! Now be a pal an' drop another quarter in this thing, would ya?"

Email Jeff Williams

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