The
Art of Rocking Poultry:
An Interview With the Free
Range Chickens
By Dave Liljengren
The
Free Range Chickens are on a
roll. Weird Al Yankovic, the famed musical
comedian, appeared at a recent OK Hotel show of
theirs and clearly liked what he saw. The
Chickens are starting to get more gigs around
town now, and these cocks of their own walk are
beginning to wonder if the time for their unique
brand of hard-luckin', hard-cluckin',
"Blurfry" (a mix of blues, surf, and
country) has finally arrived...
Pandemonium
Online: What’s the most exciting
thing about performing for you?
Jack Chicken: The
most exciting thing about performing for me is
that look in people’s eyes when they
realize, "my god, they really wear chicken
suits."
Sean Chicken: Our
music reaches across musical boundaries, leaving
audiences of widely divergent tastes all with the
same stunned expression.
Scott Chicken:
I’m in it for the free drinks.
Steve Chicken: The
sweat nodules that find crevasses in my body
I’d forgotten were there.
Joe Chicken:
Watching six grown men lay an egg.
Mark Chicken:
Performing for you!
Pandemonium
Online: Describe the personnel in the
band and how they help you achieve the sound
you’re looking for.
Jack Chicken: The
entire band walks the fine line between
showmanship and competence. We have a solid
rhythm section with Scott and Mark. We have two
guitarists in Joe and Steve who can flesh out any
kind of song we need: Joe is more of the heavy
fuzz sound and Steve is kind of a finger
pickin’, cleaner sound. Finally, Sean does
vocals and harmonica and I do lead vocals. Having
two of us up there allows us to do more
interesting things in terms of telling a story.
We can lend more voices and make more things
happen during live performances. For instance,
Sean can play Godzilla while I play the Japanese
people. Sean can play the supervisor in "I
ran away from my supervisor" while I play
the fella running away.
Steve Chicken:
Mostly... they’re wankers. I repress my
emotional nausea at having to share a tiny room
with them for two hours a week, and then release
it in a cathartic flood of musical sputum when I
play.
Joe Chicken: Jack
has a big head that resonates and gives my amp
that British
Marshal sound.
Mark Chicken:
You’ve made a very presumptuous statement in
your question. These guys have helped me achieve
nothing remotely close to satisfaction, emotional
or musical. The day these fucking desk-jockeys
blackmailed me into being in this band is the day
I knew my life was over.
Scott Chicken: I
just try to keep up.
Pandemonium
Online: What artists were the major
influences in putting together your sound?
Jack Chicken: From
a vocals/lyrics perspective: Jonathan Richman,
They Might Be Giants, Beat Happening, Hank
Williams Sr. all have a knack for writing very
clear songs about simple things. I like that.
From a musical perspective, I couldn’t play
an instrument if you put a gun to my head. Scott
Chicken: It’s true. We tried. My influences
are...well...hmm. Not sure. Ringo, Charley Watts,
stuff I pick up listening to the radio or
watching other bands.
Sean Chicken:
I’ve always been drawn to bands that scream
and jump around alot. And Air Supply, of course.
Steve Chicken:
Chuck Berry and Pee Wee Herman. They did bad
things to us when we were small.
Joe Chicken: Frank
Perdue, Stefan Grosman, Buggs Bunny
Mark Chicken:
Yeah, right.
Pandemonium
Online: If you could get any one person
in the world to listen to your band, who would it
be?
Jack Chicken:
Question is moot. Weird Al came to our show at
the OK Hotel.
Scott Chicken:
Amen to that, brother!
Steve Chicken:
Ayatollah Khomeini. Hopefully he’d condemn
us to death and we
could be famous
like Salman Rushdie.
Joe Chicken:
Benjamin Netonyahu
Mark Chicken: My
therapist.
Pandemonium
Online: What’s your favorite place
to eat in Seattle?
Jack Chicken:
Val’s Cafe on Phinney Ridge
Scott Chicken:
That’s a tie between dinner at Wild Ginger
and breakfast at the Rickshaw (105th &
Greenwood). Oh, and on the couch.
Steve Chicken:
McDonald’s. I haven’t signed any big
record deals, you know.
Joe Chicken:
Jack’s mom’s house.
Mark Chicken: The
only answer that comes to me is rude and
sophomoric, so I’ll spare you.
Pandemonium
Online: How can anyone possibly eat meat?
Jack Chicken: How
can you not?! Especially if the animal in
question was a spy or a real bastard.
Scott Chicken: I
find it best to chew it thoroughly before
swallowing.
Sean Chicken:
Protein is important. So is biodiversity. You
make the call.
Steve Chicken:
Actually all of the Chickens are savage
carnivores, including myself. We’re
bloodthirsty rapists of nature. We would eat
human flesh if it were served at Jack in The Box
in a combo-meal with fries and a medium soft
drink. I prefer to eat meat when it’s
covered with MSG and marinated in Dioxin. Mmm mmm
carcinogenic!
Joe Chicken: With
a knife and fork.
Mark Chicken: Amen
to that! The only meat eating I endorse is
cannibalism.
Pandemonium
Online: Do you agree or disagree with
this statement, "[Poultry Baron] Frank
Perdue is the meanest man in the world..."?
Jack Chicken: No
comment. Lord Perdue would kick my ass if I said
anything.
Scott Chicken:
Frank is deeply misunderstood by the chicken
world.
Steve Chicken:
Disagree. He’s my father and now I must
castrate the perpetrator of this vicious lie!
Joe Chicken: Frank
has a nice occipital lobe.
Sean Chicken:
Oh....uh......
Mark Chicken: To
answer this question I’d have to be
personally acquainted with everyone in the world,
which is obviously impossible. What a dumb
questions!
Pandemonium
Online: If your head was cut off, would
you run around? How would you do it?
Jack Chicken: Many
think this is the effect I strive for in
performance when I raise my arms in the air and
run around in circles. In reality, I’m
testifyin’ to a lord I don’t understand
who needs my lovin’, my ever sweet
lovin’. If that’s gettin’ your
head chopped off, bring on the ax, brother.
Steve Chicken:
Whoa! You’ve discovered our secret. The Free
Range Chickens have been without heads for
several years now. The horrid hat-store dummies
we’ve mounted on our neck stumps have fooled
dozens, nay, SCORES of fans until now. You must
be castrated immediately!
Joe Chicken: I
would become a republican.
Mark Chicken: Fuck
yeah! You’d hear my gurgling severed
esophagus screaming "Free at last!"
Pandemonium
Online: If you felt the need to roost,
would you go home?
Jack Chicken: Yes,
I got a lovely nest.
Scott Chicken:
Damn strait.
Steve Chicken: We
are cocks. We don’t roost.
Sean Chicken: One
barn loft is as good as another.
Joe Chicken: I
don’t think that’s any of your damn
business.
Mark Chicken: I
never leave the house.
Pandemonium
Online: Do you feel that Chicken Little
was only the first characterization in a
relentless media campaign to portray poultry as
somehow beneath contempt?
Jack Chicken: I do
not believe chickens are meant to be beneath
contempt. I myself feel contempt all the time. I
will never be beneath it.
Steve Chicken:
Chicken Little was a loser. We try not to talk
about him. We will castrate you for this
indignation.
Joe Chicken: No.
Look at Foghorn Leghorn and Big Bird (he’s
really a chicken).
Mark Chicken:
Actually, I believe it started when Abraham
sacrificed a chicken instead of his son.
Sean Chicken: The
Chicken Little story is about popular
news media.
Pandemonium
Online: If you were a tree, what kind of
tree do you think Barbara Walters would be?
Jack Chicken:
Shoe.
Scott Chicken:
Weeping willow.
Steve Chicken: A
lifeless, blackened fir. Victim of reckless
campers.
Joe Chicken: A
dogwood.
Sean Chicken: Gum.
Mark Chicken: Tree
or no tree, she’s still just a burning bush.
Pandemonium
Online: Do you believe in God? Why or
why not?
Jack Chicken:
ummm....wow....we dress up in chicken suits.
Steve Chicken: God
shall wreak His vengeance upon your privates!
Joe Chicken: My
arms are too short to believe in God.
Mark Chicken:
Don’t get me started.
Pandemonium
Online: Is there a CD in your
band’s future?
Jack Chicken: Why
yes, I purchased one tonight. It was by WIlco. I
anticipate everyone in the band purchasing many
more cd’s in the future.
Scott Chicken: I
get mine through the mail.
Steve Chicken: We
made enough at our last gig to pick up Kool and
the Gang’s Greatest Hits from the bargain
rack at Tower. Things are really looking up for
us!
Joe Chicken: No,
but there’s one up my ass!
Mark Chicken:
You’re insane.
Pandemonium
Online: How about a video?
Jack Chicken:
There has been talk of turning Bovine into a
video. We figured we’d just go out to a cow
pasture in our costumes and, you know, create.
Scott Chicken: We
did one of Camping, but it was kind of lame. If
anyone out there has a lot of money, experience
and equipment, please drop us a line...
Steve Chicken: No
TV, so what’s the point.
Joe Chicken: Sure!
I’ll take "Eraser" or "Die
Hard III"
Mark Chicken: Are
you asking me out?
Pandemonium
Online: Who’s your favorite Beatle?
Jack Chicken:
Murray the K
Scott Chicken:
Paul’s clean old grandfather.
Steve Chicken:
Dung
Joe Chicken:
Bailey
Sean Chicken: I
like that one guy who, uh....
Mark Chicken: I
fucking hate Paul McCartney. That fucking pompous
bastard! I know that doesn’t properly answer
the question, but that seems to be my gut
reaction every time I hear the word
"Beatle."
Pandemonium
Online: Who’s your favorite
Cricket?
Jack Chicken:
Jiminy
Scott Chicken: Ian
Botham
Joe Chicken:
Wickett
Steve Chicken: The
one I ate for lunch.
Mark Chicken: Her
real name is Erin.
Pandemonium
Online: Who’s your favorite clown?
Jack Chicken: Sean
at the end of "Clowns in Vegas". No
question. He is a transcendent being.
Scott Chicken:
Krusty.
Sean Chicken: Pee
Wee Herman.
Steve Chicken:
Kinko.
Joe Chicken: Newt
Gingrich
Mark Chicken: I
hate clowns. They do nothing for me other than
cause deep depression.
Pandemonium
Online: What would you do over if you
were 19 again?
Jack Chicken:
Appreciate those much smaller Levi’s I fit
into then and then go out and get drunk because
it was consequence free and I was indestructible.
Scott Chicken:
I’d be kissing random, and the hell with
anyone that tried to stop me.
Steve Chicken:
Probably all the same crap I did the first time.
I never learn.
Joe Chicken: Grow
up.
Mark Chicken:
I’m with Steve on this one.
Sean Chicken: I
get a hard-on just thinking about it.
Pandemonium
Online: If you were interviewing
yourself, what questions would you ask?
Jack Chicken: I
would ask us, "what’s the deal with the
chicken suits?" The answer is, when we
formed the band, my wife had the idea for us to
wear chicken hoods when we performed and hand out
hard-boiled eggs. We soon discovered that the
costumes were big hits and the eggs were
projectiles. Surprisingly, everyone in the band
has always had a really good attitude about the
costumes, even during the unfortunate
"fleece hood" era. The costumes are
always evolving and are a really handy
distraction in case we really happen to blow on a
given night. As a vocalist, I don’t have as
much stuff to load in at a show and it’s
always fun to walk by guys from other bands who
are loading up their enormous expensive equipment
when I have a bunch of feathery chicken suits.
Steve Chicken:
I’d like you to ask "Can my magazine
help you get some horny groupies? We can do that,
you know."
Joe Chicken:
"Why are you talking?"
Mark Chicken:
"How do you keep your evil in check when
surrounded by these other schmoes?"
Scott Chicken:
I’d like you to ask "why is Frank Beard
the only member of ZZ Top without a beard?"
Thenk I could answer "I don’t
know."
Pandemonium
Online: Is there anything else
you’d like to add? If so, what is it?
Jack Chicken:
Please, for god’s sake, somebody make us
famous, we’re too lazy to do it ourselves!
You can even make money off our success!
Scott Chicken: And
if that’s too much to ask, just get us some
real cheap studio time so we can replace our
tired, worn out demo tape.
Sean Chicken:
We’re funny to watch and the music’s
peppy and tight. Come to a show...you’ll
laugh. We mean it.
Steve Chicken:
uhhhhhhhh....
Joe Chicken: pi
plus the square root of 10 to the -693rd power.
Mark Chicken:
Yeah....right.
Scott Chicken: Oh,
and check out our web page at
http://members.aol.com/frchickens/
Pandemonium
Online: You’ve been a great
interview, I wish you the best of luck.
