Strident Voices:

How many readers out there are like me- locked in a tiny space called a cubicle for at least 8 hours a day, 40 hours per week? I can guess quite a few of you. It's your home away from home, so to speak. Some of you may be luckier than others with cube walls that reach well above your head. You are in prime net surfing conditions, my friend! If you're anything like me, you try and invent a cube world which represents the personal side of you. Basically any visual reminders of who you really are instead of the person you pretend to be for five day under those flat fluorescent lights.

Here is a sort of non-virtual tour of Agent Moody's cube, pod, workspace... oh let's face it, PRISON!

From left to right:

A shoulder bag sits on the floor. Because you never know when you may have

to jam. It contains a wallet, notebook (when I'm inspired to write something for BugVision and Pandemonium), an overdue credit card bill (I keep meaning to pay it, really!), 800 keys on a key chain (most of which I have no idea what they're for), a water bottle (I keep meaning to drink water, really!), and CD's (God, thank you for inventing CD ROM's and headphones which drowns out the voices of the annoying woman around me who are always complaining about being fat and ugly) "I’m fat!" "No you’re not!" "Yes I am." "No you’re not!" "Yes, I am!"

On the desk is a generic looking Office Depot paper stacker complete with, duh, papers in it. (I keep meaning to file them, really!) On top sits a three hole paper puncher and a two hole paper puncher because I'm all about options. Clutching the paper stacker is a tiny koala bear that I have no idea how I acquired.

Moving on. A couple of other well-meaning file folders and notebooks adorn the desk in an attempt to keep the paperworkfromehell organized. A tiny Critters Buggin’ (Seattle band) postcard is taped to the cube farm wall. Right next to that is a postcard from Amazon.com with a picture of a violin on the front. A little smiley face button follows. If you read between the lines, this suggests that I love music and hate accounting. Ok, maybe it doesn't but I just thought I'd mention that. This in no way suggests I am a big fan of the violin, although I'm sure it's a fine instrument.

The next set of postcards hanging from the wall (what the hell would we do without those coffee house postcard dispensers?!?!?!?) is of Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, drinking a cup of coffee. Someone once came up to me and asked me if that was a picture of my boyfriend-I WISH!!! Right below Howard is a Altoids postcard....hmm, that's kind of stupid. Hang on, let me take that down. Ok.

On the desk below Howard is a Tuperware bowl containing cocoa. This is for my daily poor-man's mocha. Next to that a dictionary, because I keep forgetting how to spell resume. To it's right is The Portable Visual Encyclopedia I got from Urban Outfitters. I don't know why I have it. I never use it. Maybe I look smarter??? And finally there is a huge box of Kleenex. Very important because I believe that all the daily sneezing that occurs with me and my co-workers is truly an indication that we are all allergic to work. Now if they can only come up with a way to prevent getting shocked every time I touch a file cabinet. Or a way to prevent unexpected tripping on the floor.

Finishing off the items that sit left of my computer are a phone, which I never use for personal use because emailing makes it look like I'm doing actual work. Some random hanging pieces of paper with bill codes, pay dates, bla bla bla. And a cup full of sharpened pencils (I prefer them over pens).

On top of my computer (from left to right) is a multi-colored monkey candle, a squishy Cartman doll (kick-ass!), a rubber spider from Seattle's own Archie McFee's, and a company-provided gray gargoyle. Behind that sits a couple of A Bug's Life McDonald's happy meal wind up toys that everyone who walks by feels the need to play with. On the front of my computer is a newspaper photo of Detroit Red Wings Captain Steve Yzerman holding the Stanley Cup from last year. Rest in peace, Red Wings. And finally a tiny yellow sticker someone taped to my monitor which reads, "careful: small objects like hard candies may inadvertently become lodged in the throat." Is someone trying to tell me something?

To the right of my computer are two Pez dispensers because I just think it's actually illegal to work in a cube farm environment without them. One is a skull Pez and the other is Pebbles. Neither actually contain any candy. Next to that is a 10 key calculator which I'm still trying to figure out how to use. So if you hit minus you have to hit plus to get the total???? Who invented this piece of shit?

On the wall (more postcards-oh goody!) is a postcard of downtown San Francisco. This is a harsh daily reminder of how I WISH I could travel, but can't because of lousy pay and the high cost of living in Seattle. Maybe you call it motivation; I call it torture. Next to that is a cartoonish postcard of people partying heavily in a speakeasy-type bar. It's a Burt Bacharach, "What The World Needs Now" promotion. It doesn't matter really. What it says is that I'd rather be drinking heavily in a bar than be here...at this wonderful place. Right below that is a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas movie postcard. What this says is I'd rather be inhaling highly lethal intoxicating substances and swimming in a psychedelic pool of my own vomit than be here...at this wonderful place.

On the desk below the hanging postcards is a...well, it's some sort of plastic bulldog-headed toy gun from Glam-o-Rama in Seattle. When you squeeze the trigger it barks. This represents the little voice screaming inside my head which says, "Please get me out of this mind-numbing Office Depot postcard McDonald's happy meal Archie McFee toy infested torture chamber!!!!!

And finally, hanging in the far right-hand corner of my cube farm wall, is a Seattle Supersonics 1998-99 schedule. Guess I better take that one down.

Till next time-I'm AgentMoody, conquering the World one crappy job at a time.

Agent Moody is the driving force behind DeepFried BugVision, a fine music webzine.

The Cube Farm Theater Archives

Also by Agent Moody:

Red Hot Chili Peppers
Agent Moody is there as Flea and the gang rock out for non-violent kids in a special concert at the Moore

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