Mistress Quickly
A Column By
Charlotte Bosarge
ALARMING
THEFT-DEFYING DEVICES
A heavy truck
rumbles by, setting it off. You know how it goes.
It starts first with the pseudo warble-honk, and
like some drunken train of thought segues into
the woozy noise, then the ha-ha funny clown
whistle noise, then the all-too-annoying buzzer,
then the ambulance, and finally the
two-balloons-rubbing-together noise. It goes on
and on and on and nobody cares. Nobody even looks
at the vehicle as it goes through its tantrum and
defensive flail. Car alarms have become as
capable of producing interest as the network
television news.
By now you've
heard that there is a new sound available for the
potential car alarm buyer. A dog barking, you
say? A large explosion(with the "sound of
falling glass" attachment?) No, this one
mimics the sound of a woman screaming. The
rationale behind this is that the company hopes
the new sound will draw more attention to the act
of car thievery, since the standard sounds have
become more of an annoyance than an
attention-getter. Of course all the feminists are
outraged, and even though I am not a Steinem Club
cardholder, the inevitable consequence of such an
invention cannot escape even the most misogynist
of males; the last thing we need in this
violence-ridden society is to become even more
desensitized to the plight of someone in pain.
However, you will take comfort in noting that at
least they are not leaving everyone else out in
the cold: scheduled for production next year are
the "Child Abuse Alarm" which mimics
the sound of a child crying and the
"Somebody Get a Doctor!" alarm, one of
a product category line known as phrase
"phrase notifiers."
Likely, these new
alarms will be bestsellers no matter what
group(s) protest. Indeed, the market seems
prepared to bear such boneheaded purchasing, what
with all this virtual pet crap. I propose that if
we're going to be so politically incorrect about
this type of consumer product, why not do it up
right and generate not just this one market
differential but a cornucopia of car alarms for
today's trendy paranoid? Let's go crazy with our
creative options. We certainly won't be limited
by a ceiling of decency! We could market alarms
directly to a customer's gender, race, religion,
nationality, financial status, political
affiliation and hair color. We could also create
a line of regionally-based alarms sold
specifically to residents of a particular area
(we all know each area of the country has it's
own personality). In its ideal state, doesn't it
make sense that the best car alarm would be
tailored to the surroundings?
After consulting
with Guillermo my "Consumer Psychic," I
can with almost complete certainty provide a list
of what your car alarm options will be this
forthcoming relentless Yuletide season. You might
have forgotten that Guillermo was the one who has
predicted the great Kava Kava panic of '009.
Take this
checklist to your local (alarm) dealer:
Southern car
alarm (also called "The Bigot"): plays
"Dixie" like the General Lee in Dukes
of Hazard while simultaneously spewing bales of
cotton and/or hay into the street on either side
of the car (for ease of locating the vehicle in
need).
Californian car
alarm (also called "It Don't Amount to a
Hill of Beaners"): slides down a hill
onto the freeway where a dozen illegal aliens
jump out and are beaten by officers for nothing
more than trying to get better lives for their
families. The car thief "happens" to
get caught in the melee.
Buddhist car
alarm "also called "The Cerebral
Hinge": shrieks "Karma! Karma!
Karma!" then tells the thief he will be
forgiven through the everlasting compassion of
Noble Avalokiteshvara only if he takes refuge in
the Three Jewels.
Political Car
Alarm (also called "The Smoking Gun" ):
tells you approximately how many taxpayer's
dollars go annually to the Cause then asks if you
would like to make a donation to its cigar
refurbishment program.
New York City
car alarm (also called "The Weasel"): lulls
you into a false sense of security then takes the
thief's wallet.
New Hampshire
alarm (also called "The Lionel
Richie"): pours one metric ton of maple
syrup over the car as well as the assailant.
Diva alarm
(also called "The Anthony Truly"): demands
that you tell it why "YOU always have to be
the diva" and then makes you aerobicize
because he bores easily, then complains that he
hasn't won an Emmy yet. The thief is thus
generally overwhelmed.
Music Industry
alarm (also called "The Fabricator"): gives
you lots of compliments and gifts and then,
later, when you see it on the street it forgets
who you are.
Florida alarm
(also called "The Hedgehog"): instantly
deploys a thousand needles loaded with the lethal
injection.
Texas alarm
(also called "Goddamn The Communist
Liberal"): yells "Guns Should be
Outlawed!" over and over again until
passersby destroy the car, thus saving it from
sure theft.
Tom Robbins
alarm (also called the "Babblejack"): spews
forth a barrage of nonsensical words,
simultaneously transfixing and repulsing both
onlookers and the unsuspecting perpetrator.
Shakespearean
alarm (also called "Come, let me clutch
thee"): confuses and then kills everyone
in, near, or vaguely associated with it (this
alarm was invented by Emma Thompson shortly after
her separation from Kenneth Branagh).
Tori Wells porn
star alarm (also called "The Bleeding
Heart"): begins to seduce you, gives you
the most amazing oral sex you've ever had, then
puts on its sunglasses and leaves.
French Quarter
alarm (also called "The Intoxicator"): while
refusing to speak English, the car drives you to
Pat O'Brien's and forces you to get tanked with
the wall-eyed participants of Optician's
Association Annual Conference.
Utah alarm
(also called "Blood Retribution"): screams
"Mormons are pussies!" This gets a lot
of attention, especially in pertinent areas.
Microsoft
network alarm (also called "The
Hypocrite"): may or may not start
working three days after it is set off, depending
on how the network is running.
John Leguizamo
alarm (also called the "Mouth"):
uses hypnotic teeth to distract the thief until
the police arrive.
Supermodel
alarm (also called "The Boobie Trap"): puts
on a g-string and starts nagging the thief for
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Email Charlotte Bosarge
Past
Service From Mistress
Quickly:
MQ#5-John
Taylor, Regular Guy
MQ#4-Beastie
Boys Blast Off
MQ#3-Sean
Lennon Releases Egg Sac
MQ#2-The
Splendor of DJ Nasir
MQ#1-There's
Always Room For Jello Biafra
